NY/NY Wall Street Journal - The New York Times, once the proud leader of journalistic excellence, has fallen on hard times, and has now resorted to sensationalism in order to boost sagging sales and its shares on the DOW by catering to Obamamania.
New editorial writer Judith Warner added to the decline of the paper's prestige recently in a column fantasizing about sex with the President, and included comments from female (mostly) readers who had similar fantasies regarding platonic, and not so platonic relationships with "the great communicator."
It was no wonder then, that the Times' editorial staff seized the opportunity to purchase exclusive rights to a recent 3 second video taken on a cell phone of the President playing grab ass in the shower with his "homies" after a recent pickup basketball game in Chicago, while the rest of the nation waited with baited breath for him to find quality time to sign his vaunted "stimulus" bill.
A share of The NY Times on the DOW has now fallen to less than the cost of the Sunday edition, and in an effort to rebound, the rag was forced to outbid even the New York Post for the clip.
A Times spokesman said they intend to prepare a special Naked Obama supplement entitled: "Obama's Stimulus Package", and continue with a full blown Naked Obama Marketing Blitz including T-Shirts , Elephant Hair Cock Rings, Posters, Crotchless Soccer Shorts, and even a special edition of Al Gore's Solar Powered Dildo discussed elsewhere in the Spoof.
The clip purportedly shows the President hopping around the shower snapping a wet towel at a point guard, and later in a scene reminiscent of a Rugby Scrum, with linked arms as the 5 member team huddles around a soap on a rope laying on the shower floor...the tape goes blank shortly after, and witnesses to the resulting melee remain mum on the outcome: the assumption is that somebody finally scored.
The circulation department of the Times crowed that subscription sales have soared, and that advertising revenue that had dropped 35%, was rebounding, although the quality of the ads were "not what they used to be."
Speaking off the record, a marketing rep said they were getting a lot of ads from the internet porn industry, escort services, and San Francisco Pubs.
Meanwhile, unconfirmed reports has the First Lady, the kids, and the Mother in Law moving out of he White House and relocating to Camp Hussein on the Hawaii shore. A White House Marital Spokesman said "Things will calm down after awhile...this isn't the first time this has happened, and it won't be the last. Michelle won't be able to stay away too long...everywhere she goes now she'll be seeing the President's Package, and she'll realize what she's been missing!"
In related Congressional News it has been reported that Barney Frank has been appointed Honorary Locker Room Boy and Team Mascot for Away Games with The President entitling him to a Varsity Letter Sweater.
Cheer leaders for the series of Basket ball games continue to be Chris Matthews , Keith Obermann, and joined by the rest of the Chicago Tribune Staff that recently left the Journalism Profession to Cheer Full Time for The President.
Northwestern University recently announced it was closing it's renowned Journalism School for lack of interest.