Duke University, NC- After decades of research by sociologists, psychologists, statististions, anthropologists and astrologers it has been determined, without any doubt, that men with large penises live longer, happier, more satisfying and productive lives.
"We've suspected it all along, but we needed evidence to support it," saya Dr.Lester Longdong-Silver.
"Now, after all these years we have conclusive proof that well endowed men are happier, live longer and are just generally better than their smaller counterparts."
The study only took into account men who died from natural causes only. Men who died car accidents, farming and industrial accidents and freak accidents, like being struck by lightning in a movie theater were not taken into account.
Men who were victims of foul play, be it by a jilted lover who found out her well endowed partner was fooling around with a better looking woman or by a cuckhold husband who catches a well endowed man in mid coitus with his wife were not counted either.
Strangly enough (or perhaps not) was there were no suicides involving men with big penises.
When Dr. Longdong-Silver was asked what actually constituted a penis as being large, he simply laughed.
"Oh, a man knows when he has a a big dick. After years of lockerooms and group showers, they know."
When asked if there was any way for smaller men to beat the odds of leading a miserable, pathetic existance, Dr. Longdong-Silver shook his head.
"No, I'm afraid there isn't. Not yet anyway."
The doctor went on to say, "Since the scientists here at Duke found out the results of our study, research on cures for debilitating diseases such as Parkinson's, Lou Gehrig's Desease, Cystic Fibrosis, Altzheimers, and every type of cancer have been put on hold indefinately. But a remedy will likely be a long time coming."
I suppose it's up to this reporter to offer some hope and encouragemnet for those who are lacking. So, here it is:
Don't worry, men out there with teeny weenies; you'll be dead soon.