Written by P.M. Wortham
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Topics: Congress, Tax, New Year

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

image for Congress Declares the First "American New Year"
New Year's Eve, Again

Not to be outdone by other religious or cultural new-year events, congress will vote today on a formal declaration and an amendment to the U.S. Constitution, citing June 20 of each Gregorian calendar year as the new, formal, "American New Year".

Where the Chinese have their New Year occur in early Spring, the Jewish New Year "Rosh Hashanah" falls in September, India celebrates its "Nava Varsha" in April, and even Iran celebrates its "Nowruz" in March, Congressional leaders feel justified in picking the first day of summer for its New Year celebration.

"It's been a shitty year so far." Says house Minority Whip, Stu Whittmeat. "Why not start the new year all over with a celebration in a warm weather month. June 20 will be the American New Year for 2009." One reporter asked if the IRS would be following the same yearly schedule. "We've thought of that." Said Senate spokesman Hammond Knocheze. "Nobody's got any money to pay taxes anyway, so we'll drop the federal filing requirement for 2008 back to July 4th. That way Americans can be reminded to pay for their independence on Independence Day."

Several cities and states were vocal in their opposition to the proposed amendment, not the least of which was New York, whose December 31st activities in Time Square are now world famous. City planner Heron Deeznutz claimed, "We can't just reschedule the traditional freeze-your-butt-off party to June, that's our peak tourist month." Whittmeat responded to reporters, "Deeznutz must be getting shriveled in his old age, he knows that all New Yorkers just got a 6 month postponement on tax payments, right? Of course, if we owe you a refund, that will be held back too, but lets not focus on more bad news."

While novelty paper-hat vendors and calendar manufacturers are busy making adjustments to their production schedules, congressional members were busy patting themselves on the back for another piece of nearly-worthless legislation.

Reacting to the news, other world leaders were busy with adjusting plans to their own annual calendars. Bjorn Turunne of the Finnish Consulate declared that February 6th, the normal beginning of the Laskiainen Ice Sledding Festival, will also be the beginning of their New Year. Turunne was quoted as saying. "Yaaa".

Indeed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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