Following Kelly Brooks recent confession to suffering from 'no talent syndrome.' Other stars feel comfortable enough to share the news that they too, are in the advanced stages of 'no talent'!
The Narcissus trust is a world renowned treatment centre for those with no talent. Therapies include extreme ego eccentricity, colon cleansing, and navel gazing and adopting African children in a shallow attempt to fake altruism, benevolence and Philanthropy.
The body stops manufacturing these substances in the advanced stages of the disease so they have to be synthetically manufactured, usually by a public relations company. "In extreme cases the patient begins to disappear up their own arses", claims a top spin doctor. "We just help them along, or control the speed of ascent. The colon cleansing makes the 'passage' easier and safer".
Top pop star Madonna refuses to confirm or deny that she has no talent! Celebrity watchers claims all the signs are there. Sally Silly for 'Shite Magazine' said; "Sufferers are often manic self publicists, control freaks and possesses a colossal ability for self delusion.Madonna is in fact a man but she has surrounded herself with 'yes' people too frightened to contradict her".
Sally went on to claim; "Guy Ritchie was disturbed at 'her' refusal to lift the loo seat when peeing leading to many sticky moments with his former 'squeeze'. Ritchie also claimed she used his razors, held him in frequent headlocks and forced him to watch her bouts of 'horseplay'".
Claims Ritchie: "I bit off more than I could chew! I couldn't bare those knotty, bristly arms around me, the constant "noogies", 'fart lighting' and never listening to me about my day. I would invite friends around for coffee mornings and Madonna would invariably embarrass me by cracking Walnuts between her buttocks or something similar".
Sally Silly claims the number of stars confessing to 'no talent' will increase as the social stigma of the condition diminishes. "I have no talent and it never harmed my career" claims Sally! "Society is full of individuals without the first idea of what they are doing, promoted well beyond their abilities because they are 'eye candy' or a good lay!"
Eva Legover the fashion editor at 'Shite Magazine' went on to claim; "I make more money writing about shoes and chocolate than a head teacher, so no! My lack of talent has not been a handicap in my career".
To date, confirmed sufferers include:
'Dickhead and Judy'
'Fux Factor' judges
The Vice Girls, (especially fat vice)