Written by chris whewell
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Tuesday, 10 February 2009

image for Mustapha Kamir - Barnsley's Angel of Peace
Mustapha Karim - Angel of Peace, just after " 'Angin' Bloody Washin' Out" (yesterday)

Mustapha Karim, previously thought to be the world's unluckiest man, has begun his quest to bring peace to the war-torn Middle East in a somewhat undiplomatic fashion.

Within 10 minutes of the start of the first of several planned summits between the sundry opposing factions in the region, Mustapha's legendary short fuse became apparent, as he firmly stamped his authority on proceedings.

When Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian Prime Minister, launched a vitriolic diatribe against his Israeli counterpart, Ehud Olmert, Mustapha exploded into action.

Whipping off his right shoe, rising and striking cobra-fashion, he proceeded to batter the Hamas leader relentlessly, targetting the upper arms, head and torso, all the time shouting, "Bloody well behave thee self n' stop bein' so bloody rude, ya twat!"

Upon seeing his arch-enemy suffering such a beating, Mr. Olmert, unable to contain his glee, covered his mouth, stifling guffaws of laughter - that is until Mr Kamir, eys wildly staring, and mouth covered in foam and spittle, rounded upon him, shouting, "An' you, ya little bugger, yer just as bloody bad. What d'ya think you're gigglin' for? Ya big gel's blouse", emphasising each word with a hefty thwack from his shoe.

Both leaders were quickly reduced to flinching, cowering wrecks, each nervously anticipating another "clout wi' t'bloody shoe" from Mustapha.

"Now lads, 'Appen, I want yers t'sort out this bloody pigs-ear you've gone an' got ye'sens into. Stop all the bloody faitin' else I'll come an' gi' yers what for. Bang yer bloody 'eads together, ye big Jessies".

Seven minutes later, Messrs Olmert and Abbas signed a historic peace agreement, allowing United Nations peacekeepers to dismantle all weaponry, and promising continuing dialogue and unilateral trading co-operation with each other in future.

"Right!" said Mustapha, "Oo's fookin' next?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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