Written by Chuck Barber
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Friday, 18 June 2004

Saying that statistics show that whales are plentiful in today's oceans, President George W. Bush plans to steer legislation through Congress authorizing American ships to hunt whales once again.

Outlawed throughout the world since the mid 1980s whale hunting has become an enterprise of pariahs. Those countries which persist in hunting whales in violation of international law have been forced to skulk about the seas as they practice their craft, enduring shrill attacks from school children and politicians alike. As a result, over the past five to ten years the whale population has grown dramatically.

"Dang, you can walk across the Pacific on the blue whales," says oceanographer, Brian Bellovs. "It's getting to the point that ships hit them all the time there's so many of them. It used to be seeing one was exciting, now they're everywhere and you have to whack ‘em with a paddle to get ‘em to move. Who knew whales would ever come to be such pests?"

Even Greenpeace has taken to shooting whales with high-powered rifles. Greenpeace President Alva Logan is disgusted. "They poop everywhere. And they poop a lot! I've got an elephant gun I shoot them with. I don't think it kills them. They just swim away. I dunno, maybe sharks go for them if they're bleeding, but hell, what's another whale today?"

In this climate it is not surprising that President Bush wants to open the waters to whale hunting. "I love a whale burger and a little whale sauce on my steak. You'll be feeling frail, if you ain't eating whale," the President said, laughing as he bit into a whale chop. "Whale, it's what's for dinner."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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