New York, New York - In an exclusive with photojournalist, Peter Parker, high above the New York City skyline, Spider-Man sat down outside a window ledge on the 19th floor of a 30 story building for an interview for the Daily Bugle newspaper to talk about the latest development in his archrival's life: the birth of Dr. Octopus's octuplets.
"I realize we're moving on with our lives. And that we can't be settling out disputes in the streets all the time," said Spider-Man as he took another sip from his cup of Latte Mocha. As the vapors rose up from the cup that he held in his hands, so too did the sunrise over the city he loves and that he has vowed to protect from arch villains like Dr. Octopus, who has just gone public with the news that he is the father of the octuplets. "I know having a child changes a man. So I can only imagine what kind of changes take place in a man's life when he has eight."
Still sitting on the outside the window ledge, Spider-Man sat perched reflecting on the changes in his life as well.
"You know I thought of having children by becoming a sperm donor," said Spider-Man. Mary Jane was even willing to bare the child. Her life partner, Betty Smith, thought it was a great idea, too. But when I went to the sperm bank, they told me I was shooting blanks. They said it must have been the residual radioactivity leftover from the spider bite. Now isn't that's ironic? The one thing that made me who I am is also now preventing me from carrying on my legacy."
Still sipping from his cup of Latte Mocha, Spider-Man pulled out a small flask filled with Vodka, pouring into his cup of coffee.
"You know I don't usually drink this early in the morning," said Spider-Man as he halfheartedly filled out a congratulation card addressed to Dr. Octopus. "But hey. This is a special occasion right? I said RIGHT! I mean way shouldn't a super villain like Dr. Octopus have eight kids, when I can't even have one with my bisexual girlfriend? I tell you man, I'd jump right now, right here, if I thought it do any good. And believe me brother I've tried. But I can't because I'm [censored] Spider-Man. I'm like a cat, you see. I keep landing on my feet. What? What are you looking at? Does that shock you? What? That I want to leap off a tall building, or that I've tried to do it before in the past? Well, before you sit up here judging me, tell me how would take the news that your life long love, and no damn it, I'm not talking about the city, but Mary Jane, was a freak in the bedroom. I was ready to ask her hand in marriage, man. I was ready to marry Mary Jane. Wait. That sounds kind of funny."
After laughing uncontrollably for several minutes, crying for several more after that and finally reliving himself by taking a piss over Wall Street (and not because his bladder was full either), Spider-Man managed to regain his composure. Although he conversed in slurred speech for the remainder of the interview, Spider-Man talked openly and unabashedly about the ill-fated day that he asked for Mary Jane's hand, taking Aunt May, who gave him her wedding ring to give to Mary Jane, along to bare witness to the blessed event.
"You think you're shocked about the news of me wanting to take a flying leap," said a now fully inebriated Spider-Man. "Well, let me tell you something that will knock your socks off."
Spider-Man went on to give in graphic detail what the publisher would not allow to be printed, except for a heavily edited version as retold here: In essence, Spider-Man, as Peter Parker, went with Aunt May to Mary Jane's apartment directly across the street from Central Park. There when they opened the door they witnessed what could only describe as Mary Jane and her girlfriend playing a game of "Twister" on the living room floor. So fully engaged at the time that they did not notice Peter Parker and Aunt May standing at the front door until they were distracted by a loud thud as if something heavy had hit the floor.
"Aunt May's heart gave out on the spot," said Spider-Man, as he tossed aside the empty flask that shattered into pieces on the window ledge. "She was lucky, hers later recovered. Mine is still broken."
Picking up the congratulation card addressed to Dr. Octopus that he put aside earlier, Spider-Man read it one last time before signing it. Then he patiently folded it into a paper airplane and through it out over the window ledge. Out over the city, where it glided freely among the familiar canyons of concrete, steel and glass. To places where he once soared so high and so freely, before a chilly wind took it away, far out of sight.
"I know he says that having eight children has changed him, made him into a family man," Spider-Man said, sounding remarkably sober. "But I just know he's training those innocent little babies to come after me, turning them into a super army of evil I will have to face someday when I'm not so young as I am today. What am I doing here talking to you, feeling sorry for myself? I have a city to defend from eight little freaks of nature! After all, the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world, right? I said RIGHT! Right."
Stumbling several times before he got on his feet, Spider-Man lifted himself up using his spider webbing.
"Man they put way too much caffeine in those Latte Mochas," jokily said Spider-Man as he began losing his footing and the webbing he cast onto a city's failing infrastructure started to give way. "Well, I'm off to save the city again and crush those eight little freaks like the tiny little eight baby spiders that they are. Wait. That sounds kind of funny -- Oh crap! Not aaagggaaiinnn!"