Following the attack by the French President Nicolas Sarkozy on the UK's economic policy there are growing fears that he actually has plans to invade Great Britain. The French who are still smarting from losing the battle of Waterloo are said to be massing around the channel port of Calais.
It is believed that they are fed up of Brits purchasing lovely holiday homes in France while they all have to live in tents on the outskirts of Paris. Another grievance is thought to be cheddar cheese which the French don't officially recognise as a dairy based product. The French themselves love smelly cheeses often served on hard long bread called baguettes - known in the UK as sticks. If an invasion was successful all sliced bread in the UK is likely to be banned, putting Hovis out of business.
The French are also likely to make the wearing of black and white stripped jumpers law together with the consumption of 1 clove of garlic a day per person.
The UK government has set up a new "home guard" containing elderly members of the community and local schoolboys. This new elite fighting force is armed with pitchfolks and carving knifes and is stationed at the UK entrance to the channel tunnel.
The government has appealed for calm saying "The French are likely to invade, but as soon as we start jeering them they are pretty likely to turn on their heels and flee. Let's face it they don't have much of a record in wars do they?"
The government are saying if the French do invade they are likely to want to head straight for Blackpool to destroy the tower, which they see as a bit of a piss take.