After several thousand years of mayhem, soul snatching, temptation, morality compromising, lust induction, and being the supreme causative factor in moving people to lie, cheat, rape, steal, and murder, Satan has decided to call it quits.
Satan, aka, Baalzebub, Lucifer, The Devil, Evil Spirit, maker of administrative agencies, and numerically represented as the number 666, threw in the towel today directly after 12:01 AM. The time is believed to be associated with the creation of the earth, mankind, the U.S. Supreme Court, and ex-Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick's release from jail, among other things.
Citing complete cooperation by the world's population, Satan claimed he was relevant enough in a world full of the very things his agenda expounded, represented, and pushed for, to retire. "Political correctness essentially gave me the pink slip," Satan sadly offered. "Plus, you mother-fuckers are out of your frickin' minds, sheeeeeeeite," he revised.
We had thought that with Satan's victory, his relevancy would have elevated him to that of Supreme Being. However, being politically correct these days doesn't always mean success in one's career an/or life choices. "Having been successful in what I did for a living, now leaves me bored to death with nothing to do. I took great pride, and experienced voyeuristic euphoria, in watching people squirm, wiggle, and succumb to temptation and direction. God I'll miss that," Satan reminisced. Apparently, Satan wasn't beyond invoking the name of God for assistance either.
One of Satan's more successful interventions, and one that is a source of great pride to him, was when he had that dog talk to a dude who then went around murdering folks in New York with a 44 caliber pistol. Referred to as "Son of Sam," the killer claimed that the neighbor's dog told him to commit the murders. "Boy did I have that dude going. I remember the first time he heard the dog talk to him, he was poking his finger in his ear, scratching his head, and looking around bewildered, like this can't be happening. The following day, he came back and asked the dog if he had said something to him yesterday. I told the dog to tell him, Dude, do I look like I'm playin'?" Satan told us.
Prior to checking in at Boston's Marriot Hotel, Satan told us he had a productive meeting with Jesus, U.S. President Barack Obama, Paris Hilton, and the ghost of Lenny Bruce, who gave him assurances of being well taken care of in his retirement days. President Obama also assured Satan that, "We have the "List of Souls" you purchased just in case any enlistee's attempt a renege."
When we asked Satan what he will do now that so much free time is available, he replied: "Idleness is the devil's playground, and well boys, think I'll kick back, and write my memoirs, which will surprise the hell out of you, no pun intended, and observe the world continue to spin out of control knowing full well that I caused it. Jesus will be very busy trying to undue the damage. However, he is fed up, and ready to throw his toga in the ring, I hear. Allah is still battling with those 72 virgins, but they refuse to give him a taste."
As Satan ambled away, his hand could be seen rising up to his pointed nose, and he sang, "Veni, vidi, vici, Na, Na, NaNaNa."