California - (AP) In a surprising turn of fortune, Department of Natural Resources investigators said Sasquatch, more commonly referred to as "Big Foot," turned himself in late Friday night.
When we spoke with officials at the DNR office, they all said they were skeptical at first, but went along with what they believed to be an elaborate joke. However, when we interviewed Forestry Service Officer I. Emma Redneck, she stated that, "All of us here were trying to hold back the laughs and smirks when we noticed tears streaming down his hairy face.
Hustling the weeping giant into the back room, officials were stunned to learn that Big Foot could speak English, but it was broken English. This made them even more suspicious about being a joke. However, there suspicions were dashed when he showed, and let them feel, his hands. Further inspection confirmed that this was indeed Big Foot in the flesh. As the interview progressed, it became apparent why Big Foot showed up on their doorstep.
For many, many years investigators, both professional and amateur, hunted him down relentlessly, but he always managed to stay one step ahead of them. He was, apparently, the last of his kind, or so he thought, until one day, he noticed Big Foot tracks that were like his, but smaller.
Curious, but more hopeful now, he began to believe that it was a possible mate. The clues all pointed that way. Horny as all hell too, and longing for any type of companionship and conversation, Big Foot 1 began tracking Big Foot 2. The clues were getting warmer, and bringing him closer, and he finally determined that the other Big Foot was indeed a female of the species because of the articles she left behind.
Day after day he tracked her, imagining what it would be like to hold her close, wrap his long hairy arms around her, and kiss her passionately all over. This went on, day after day, month after month, and now going on two years now. He became obsessed with her, sometimes risking his own capture just to get a glimpse of her. It was the tracks, and the remnants of her she left behind that kept him going, yearning, hoping, and crying himself to sleep at night. But he always awoke with her on his mind and knew that one day he would be with her.
When we heard this tale, the officers were in tears telling us his story. I. Emma Redneck said that is all they got out of him before we at the Associated Press showed up, except for the reason Big Foot finally turned himself in to them.
Someone was playing a joke on him with man-made woman footprints, campfires, food wrappers, bones from fresh varmint kills, teddies, K-Y Jelly, National Geographic photos of silver-back male gorillas, and a dildo made out of a piece of redwood tree. Big Foot told us he surrendered to DNR officers because he just couldn't take it any more. He was stressed out beyond comprehension and gave up. Hey, look, he's been doing this for a long time and still hasn't gotten his nuts out of the sand, poor fella.