Written by linda warnke
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Thursday, 29 January 2009

image for Economic Downturn Hits Al Queda-Pension Funds At Risk-Virgins Cut
Virgin prepares to greet a young jihadi in Paradise

In yet another sign of just how deep the global economic downturn has become, Al Queda announced today that it's Jihadi Retirement Fund may not be able to meet it's obligations in the near term.

The JRF's chief financial officer acknowledged that the fund was having difficulty in getting payments out to recent retirees, and blames the global recession. "Everyone is having a tough time these days. While we will make every effort to get payments out in a timely fashion, there may be some delays due to funding issues." says Hamid Al-bin. "Some cuts in benefits may also be necessary."

One of the proposed cuts that has angered many young jihadis is the decrease in the number of virgins being issued to martyrs. Previously the number was 72, but in recent weeks some have been given as few as 35. And many claim the quality has also deteriorated.

19 year old Ramzi Al-dhouri says, "35 of these broads is about 34 too many if you ask me. Like wow, these bitches are UGLY! They are virgins for a reason, if you know what I mean..." Al-dhouri goes on to promise, "I will not be doing any suicide missions for now. I'd rather die than work under conditions like these."

And Al-dhouri is not alone. Many young jihadis have vowed to go on strike if the number and quality of the virgins is not restored to previous levels. "We give our lives for the cause, and this is how they reward us? We get to spend eternity in Paradise with a bunch of hags that we wouldn't fuck with somebody else's dick? Well, they can just forget it!" says Al-dhouri.

Al-Queda top leaders would not comment on the allegations, saying only that "We are looking into the situation."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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