President Barack Hussein Obama will now be known as St. Barack the First. Pope Benedict announced the Beatification this morning in a press conference from the Vatican.
This is an unusual move as, traditionally, new saints must first be dead. This even occured recently with Mother Teresa (even though she looked half dead the last ten years of her life).
As a general rule, investigators must prove that a saint has performed at least three miracles within their lifetime. The proven miracles for Obama include:
- Convincing the electorate that even though he was raised in a Moslem country by a Moslem father and attended Moslem schools and a Moslem mosque, he was never a Moslem.
- Winning a majority of the anglo vote after the Reverend Wright fiasco.
- Performing the miracle of the Pied Piper of Hamlin by leading the media around wherever he wanted them to go.
- Getting Hillary Clinton and the rest of the Democratic leadership to drop to their knees to worship him.
- Getting through his entire Inauguration speech without using Ebonics.
Saint Obama says that he will not expect people to kiss his ring, though he has grown fond of the lips on his ass.