US immigration officials have announced that from next month, visitors to the US will be sexually humiliated as a condition of entry into the country. The procedure will involve each visitor being stripped naked and chained to a radiator, whilst retarded female rednecks point and laugh at their genitalia.
Undersecretary for border and transportation security, Ada Goodlaugh, said that "We recognise that this will cause a minor inconvenience to visitors, but we feel this is a necessary step towards improving homeland security. As long as our guests have nothing to hide, they have nothing to fear".
Officials are keen to point out that, although the procedure will be photographed, the images will be subject to strict privacy controls, with availability being restricted to Senate hearings and major media organisations such as the New York Times.
* In a tit for tat move, the Brazilian government announced that visitors from the US are to have light-fittings inserted into their rectum. The Brazilian consulate in San Francisco has subsequently reported a large rise in the number of visa applications.