(Vatican Library, Tuesday). Astonished scholars of the Holy See today unveiled the findings of the Grateful Dead Sea Scroll Committee, headed by Prof Geezer Worms, which categorically state that the alleged founder of the Christian Church was in fact John the Baptist and not Jesus of Nazareth.
Further, the committee allege that this has been known to the Vatican for some 2004 years, which decided to promote Jesus rather than admit that he and his wife Mary Magdalene fled to Japan with the children rather than be associated with Saul of Tarsus in the founding of a new state religion.
The news comes some 55 years after the actual discovery of the Scrolls in an ancient recording studio built by ancestors of Jerry Garcia.
Of particular note is the Baptist's original rendition of "The Midnight Special" depicting what happened in the garden after that last supper.
Cardinal Marcinkus was unavailable for comment last night but a papal spokesman admitted things were looking a little bleak in the Pontifical Office at the moment.