Written by Chuck Terzella
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Wednesday, 16 June 2004

image for Vatican Report: The Inquisition wasn't that bad...George W. Bush Agrees
Private Contractors at Work

Vatican Officials have released a report saying that although the Inquisition burned people at the stake, stretched them to death on the rack, maimed and abused tens of thousands and possibly millions just because they weren't Roman Catholic, it really wasn't all that bad.

In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II publicly apologized for the use of unnecessary force in the murder of Jews, Cathars, Muslims and scientists saying, " We should have just cut their Heathen, Devil worshiping heads off, chop-chop, without all that silly torture. Sorry about that. Thank God they were all going to burn in Hell anyway."

Vatican Theologian Cardinal Georges Cottier said, "We were very strict about following the Torture Rules Handbook. It said right on page eight...Fifteen minutes of stretching a guy on the rack before you burned him to death and not a second more. It's when the Vatican's Private CIA (Catholic Inquisition Agents) Contractors got involved that things got out of hand."

Cardinal Cottier continued, "So if you crunch the numbers the right way you could say that instead of the millions of deaths that have been attributed to the Inquisition, the Catholic Church is really only responsible for one: a guy named Giuseppe from Verona who refused to put a coin in the collection plate."

President George W. Bush, commenting on the Vatican's logic said, "Hey, that's good...we can use that with Abu Grab and Guantanamo. Have Karl Rove get in touch with this guy Cottier. I want him on my team, even if he is a stinking Catholic."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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