Cancun, Mexico - Given the overwhelming evidence that torture is an ineffective interrogation method (aside from being a War Crime), President Obama signed an executive order prohibiting the practice by U.S. intelligence officers. Instead, he has ordered them to take time to get to know their interrogatee better.
"Take them out on the town for a bite to eat and a movie," said Obama at a White House press conference. "What could be the harm in doing that? Or if dinner is too intimate so soon after intermit, make it a Roast. Hey, listen, as everybody here knows I have attended a Roast for a 'moral' enemy just recently and if I can do it, so can you."
To ensure his orders will be carried out to the letter, President Obama has instructed the Department of the Treasury to purchase a 'Sandals' vacation resort in the West Indies in the Caribbean where both interrogator and interrogatee can fight the war on terrorism together.
"Here," said Obama to the members of the press. "Let me show you what I am talking about."
With a cue to a White House staff member, the lights in the pressroom dimmed and a retractable screen slowly dropped down from the ceiling locking into position automatically in front of the presidential podium baring the official seal of the president.
"Under palm fronds, by the sea shore under a warm Caribbean sun," said Obama in a voice over as he narrated the Power Point presentation to the images of CIA agents wearing black suits, black ties and dark shades playfully running alongside detainees in bright orange jumps suits.
A collective gasp from the press pool went out as a slide of a chalkboard flashed on the screen. It read:
6:00 am - Hood removed quickly, followed by Fasting!
9:00 am -- Water Boarding 101
12:00 pm -- More Fasting!
3:00 pm - "Simon (the game) Says": Stand on One Leg. Wait for it. Wait for it.
6:00 pm - Even more Fasting!
9:00 pm - "Twister" (not the game)
12:00 pm - "Lights Out!"
12:01 am - Lights Out.
12:02 am - Back to the Old Neighborhood.
"Effective immediately," said Obama. " I am ordering the replacing of water boarding with bobbing for apples, standing up all day with Low Impact Aerobics and holding a strenuous position for hours on end with yoga stretching exercise classes."
President Obama went on to say he was confident that not only will the new enhanced interaction techniques yield better intelligence, but that they will provide us with a healthier, happier and longer living detainee, who will in turn continue to voluntarily provide us with more reliable information for years to come.
"As you can see, under these idyllic conditions," continued Obama, as an image of an interrogatee draws the secret location of a terrorist base in the sand with the business end of an miniature Cocktail umbrella, while a CIA agent carefully takes meticulous notes, nodding his head as he writes. "Detainees will be more willing to give up information. Cindy, you can turn up the house lights now. Thanks, Cindy. Questions, anyone?"
All the reporters in the pressroom just turned their heads looking at each other shacking their heads no.
"Okay then," said Obama. "I'll see you all at my next press conference, which should be in, oh, lets say about 5 minutes."
As President Obama left the room, exiting through a revolving door that he had especially installed to the White House pressroom as a time and energy saver, the entire press pool rose to their feet and let out three shouts: "Bazaar! Bazaar! Bazaar!"
Then they all stood around commenting to each other about how lucky they all felt just being there and how none of them could recall 5 minutes seeming so long of a time to wait before they meet Obama.
Meanwhile, back at "Club Gitmo":
"What did Obama say he was going to do with us?" said one detainee to another through the walls of their adjoined holding cells.
"He said," my friend, came a sobbing voice. "That he is going to turn us in to sandals."
"Oh, my God," came the reply in a voice filled with rejoice. "Finally, I can fulfill my destiny and become a martyr."
"And to think," retorted a voice filling with remorse. "I threw away my ballot by casting it for John McCain, when I could have voted for Obama all along."
"Such is the fickle nature of voting in a Representative Democracy," calmly replied the martyring voice. "As if it worked like a Direct Democracy."