Written by bonzodog64
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Friday, 23 January 2009

image for "I have no talent." - Kelly Brook
"I can tie a bow in me kecks."

Sources close to the pouting, smouldering beauty refused to confirm or deny the rumour that she has been recently diagnosed with 'no talent syndrome'.

Friends close to the star have long suspected that Kelly has no talent but felt it would be inappropriate to discuss the subject until Kelly chose to broach it herself. She was recently seen leaving the narcissus clinic following an intense bout of cremeotherapy.

"I thought it was all Boswollox" said a concerned onlooker. "but its true, she has no talent and has been making us all sick for years"

Kelly kept her terrible secret hidden for at least ten years while she developed her career of being rapidly unloaded from a host of media entities, though not before relieving the companies of enormous amounts of cash.

Symptoms of 'no talent include binges of conspicuous, retail consumption, 'filling your boots', collapsing on beaches, losing your clothes, and then kissing and telling.

"I had all the classic symptoms", wept Kelly. I would lie motionless on beaches for days, I turned orange and saw lots of stars most of whom 'gave me one' and then cleared off!

"A consultant told me that my career had only two years left to live and the best I could hope for are some quiz show hosting and a return to topless work if things got really wobbly.

"I don't expect to live it up much longer", cried Kelly all the way to the bank. "I am desperately attractive and have never had no said to me often enough. Now its too late and I'll just have to host the lottery or something". I have been offered some voice over work for the animated legend 'Bagpussy" but thats about it".

Kelly Brook has been offered an apology from Simon Cowell as well as a new job after he axed her from 'This Britain's Got No Talent'. "She was too arsey, conceited and stupid even for this pile of crap!"

Kelly was said to be putting her best foot forward into her mouth and keeping her hands clasped on her assets. "I am hoping that my cups will once again' runneth over", claimed a chastened and humbled Kelly.

Many celebrities are suspected of suffering from 'no talent ' syndrome but work hard at concealing it . We should all spare a thought for the desperately attractive and those with 'no talent' like Kelly many of whom will never have anyone to help them reign in their colossal egos and selfishness!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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