Once again, America has to stop Russia from aiding an invasion from outer space. After an old Soviet-built nuclear-powered satellite started spewing fragments of possible nuclear coolant, Russian scientists rushed to emphasize that the satellite is built to be burned out on reentry and is too high to hit the International Space Station. However, UFO activists have voiced concerns that the Russian satellite may be putting earth into a more indirect danger.
"Basically, Russia is trying to beef up alien invaders by injecting them with radiation," UFO advocate and Cold War veteran Benjamin Rinkles said. "while US non-proliferation efforts have tirelessly worked to keep radioactive material out of the hands of aliens, Russia is feeding Mr. Martian a steroids cocktail. Radioactive steroids."
Cosmos-1818, the name of the satellite, was launched in 1987 under the inauspicious mission of tracking ships along the ocean floor using radar. However, once the nuclear monstrosity was in space, no one could hear it scream. While there is little solid information on the subject, a mountain of possible evidence has amassed showing that Russia built the satellite such that it's fragmenting coincides with the alien invasion.
Russian scientists have expressed dissimilar opinions. "Are you all idiots?" one anonymous Russian scientist asked. Another clarified, "radioactive material doesn't make you grow superpowers. The idea is not only ridiculous but infantile. Radiation is fatal to space aliens. The satellite is up there to stop the invasion."