Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Image

Sunday, 25 September 2005

Long thought of as the town across the border where anything is possible, and everything is available, Tijuana is seeking to change its image.

For years when Gringos wanted anything from heroin to viagra, from sex with underage girls to sex with grandmas, Tijuana was the place they headed.

Now, under the leadership of new Mayor German Robles, Tijuana is cleaning up and polishing.

"For too long," Robles said recently, "we have catered to the degenerate whims of a perverted few sickos. We have sold our collective souls for the Gringos greenbacks. We have debased our women and spawned an underclass of countrymen interested only in satisfying those unclean urges and raking in money while others did humiliating service. No More!"

As part of the plan to turn Tijuana into a town were decent people can once again live without fear, Robles has created a three phase scheme to allow the transition to take place at a pace acceptable to all.

Phase I which will be implemented this summer includes the closing of all animal-human brothels and opiate discount stores.

Phase II set for the beginning of 2005 will ban public sex shows, including inter and intra species shows, and gambling on sports where one or more contestant dies.

Phase III set for January 2006 will ban all drug sales, including prescription drugs, to non-Mexicans and will license prostitutes and restrict them to a ‘red light' district.

"No more will men who want sex with chickens come to Tijuana," said Robles. "They must go to the farm. Perhaps there they can get chicken drugs for their awful parties."

The economy of Tijuana is largely dependent on tourism. There are some, who while appreciative of the goals of the mayor, worry how badly implementation will hurt the economy. Hidalgo Lopez, a taxi driver, is one. "I don't know . . . I get three drunk boys in the taxi and drive them around. I tell them the fare is $100.00 and they pay. If they are sober will they notice we were driving in circles?"

Mayor Robles is not concerned. "It may take a few years, but we will thrive. We have more here than wasted talent and broken dreams. We should be more than the masturbator of the American money penis."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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