Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Scientists

Tuesday, 15 June 2004

image for Researchers Shocked: Fat People Eat More
Super Size It!

Scientists were shocked to discover that fat persons often eat more than thinner persons. In a study funded by the National Coalition of Large Persons and released on Friday, researchers announced that eighty seven percent of those studied who were more than thirty percent over the approved weight ate more than those who were at or under the approved weight.

"We're still trying to determine cause and effect," said lead researcher Dr. Frederick Ponsol. "Do large people eat more to support their massive bodies or does eating make you large. It's a puzzle."

Beliefs long held by large persons - that, for instance, they have very slow metabolisms or that their weight gains are glandular - seem likely to fall by the wayside.

Hobart Jonquil, President of the National Coalition of Large Persons, and a 600 pound man, disputed the results of the survey his own organization funded. "This is not what we expected, nor believe. This is more proof of prejudice against larger Americans. We know what causes largeness. In my case it's biological. My parents were both large people. I have no choice in the matter.Others have an extraordinarily slow metabolism. I know men and women who gain weight on seventy five calories a day! That's less than an ice cream sandwich!"

Dr. Ponsol, while sympathetic to the desires of the Coalition, stuck by his research. "We followed them around. We watched what they ate. Some of these people are just pigs."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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