Eighties Gender Bending, flamboyant hat wearing, baroque, former culture club singer, Boy George was today convicted of the attempted murder of his career.
'Queenie' Counsel, Judge David Radford of Snaresbrook Crown Court in East London said the singer was guilty of "gratuitous violence toward his career culminating in chaining it to a radiator and attempting to kill it once and for all."
Outside court number two, Boy Georges career claimed "George is a big lad and fortunately for me he had to stop for a breather". Despite this, Boy George invited a friend to help him destroy his kinky pictures fearing they would place discrete images and recordings of his amazing vocal talents on the internet.
Boy George or George O'Dowd who cannot be named for legal reasons claimed he was acting in self defence and was merely protecting himself against his talent which was threatening and inhibiting his penchant for drug abuse and 'rough trade'.
" I just wanted to get shit faced," claimed George, "but my career and talent would not let me."
Boy Georges career claimed, "It all began when he went out all night playing other peoples records and 'DJing' instead of making 'proper' songs of his own.
"It's so sad he's such a talented and charismatic singer.
"He would come home at all hours and hurl banging house tunes, club anthems, and garage at me until I couldn't take it anymore."
Boy George who possesses a string of excellent previous records and convictions was recently found in Queens sweeping the streets of New York when he should have been at home in his apartment snorting cocaine.
In 2006 he was sentenced to community service with New York City's Department of Sanitation after pleading guilty to burgling a reporter falsely. Following his conviction and imprisonment a large flock of garishly coloured hats were made homeless.
Boy George is 48 (stone).