WASHINGTON DC - A copy of the presidents final speech, to be delivered on Jan 20 was handed to TheSpoof.com by Kurd Flophouser, who found it on the street outside the White House.
It is too long and boring to reproduce in TheSpoof.com, but the highlight is quoted here:
"All my ministration's is pardoned for torturing and proving aspartame even when we new it made people a little bit sick. It was good strageegery, see? [grin stupidly] "[sic sic sic ..]
At the time we filed this story, the stock market gained 6000 points in one hour. We don't think there is any connection.