Washington,DC/ Office of the Surgeon General - Democrats are in a turmoil today after President Elect Obama collapsed, in what is being called a severe "Panic Attack" after receiving a joint briefing from the CIA, FBI, SEC, Homeland Security and head of the Cable TV conversion box fiasco!
Eyewitness accounts report that the President Elect emerged "white as a sheet" from the highly classified briefing, than sank to the floor, speaking in tongues, eyes rolling in his head and losing control of his bodily functions!
Onlookers said it was" a stinking mess", and couldn't have happened at a more inopportune time with all of Hollywood, Obama's native village from Kenya, and Paris Hilton expecting to attend the 525 inaugural balls stretching from Washington,DC to the Chicago's South Side January 20th!
"It's way to late to cancel the shrimp and grits, pulled pork, and sweet potato pies," one of 300 executive caterers wailed! "And we're halfway through the 1500 ice sculptures detailing Obama's 143 active days in the Senate...what oh what are we to do?"
Adding to the confusion is the unconfirmed report that VP Elect Joe Biden was so enamored with the battle ribbons he received from the Pakistani Government on his recent trip,that he has announced he would rather be named Armed Forces Chief of Staff, than serve as VP, a decision heartily approved of by 3rd in line, Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, and endorsed by the remainder of a relieved Congress.
The President Elect's wife, Michelle Obama, issued a statement from the hospital late today confirming that Barry had indeed suffered a serious panic attack, which left him in a coma.
"The world is so F***** Up ," she said," Barry couldn't handle it...it was just sensory overload. He just had NO IDEA when he decided to run for office things would be this complicated. I just wish he could have been a Mayor of a small town for awhile to get the hang of this political stuff....he couldn't even take the stress of the Senate, that's why he had to take all those sick days and wasn't able to vote on anything...."
Representative Charles Wrangle (sic), said that even though Obama won't be able to be sworn in , the House Ways and Means Committee would honor the ALMOST President, as if he got to be seated. "His pension and health insurance is secure, "Wrangle said," and he is even entitled to start taking off shore funds for his LIBRARY...financially Barry will be fine, and there's even talk of appointing him to a no -show job in Massachusetts."
Aides for" President by Default" Nancy Pelosi said she was busy contacting new caterers from San Francisco to redo the menus, and they would have a more healthy theme featuring Tuna Steaks with Pineapple garnish, a selection of award wining wines from her own family owned winery that haven't been selling too well, and door prizes consisting of over 200,000 Chrysler Pacificas and Dodge Durangos rusting on Dealer's lots! " The Show Will Go On!" she was heard to say by one of her aides, even as she was arranging to interview 14 Dog Breeders to pick the new White House pet.
Hugo Chavez, in a national Press Conference said, " Don't say I didn't warn you, Barrio,Bro!"