Written by Morse
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Saturday, 10 January 2009

image for Somali Pirates New Year's Resolution: Time to Sink or Swim! OOPS!
Somali Pirates Capsize Get a Way Boat Loaded with 12 Pirates and 3 Million Pounds!

Mogadishu, Somalia - Despite being patient for 2 months waiting for a ransom to be delivered, when the payoff came, Somali Pirates couldn't wait to row ashore and run to the nearest Cadillac Escalade dealership to cash in with a new ride!

As a result, fitting 12 pirates in a 12' dinghy in wind driven high seas doesn't work, the boat capsized and 5, along with their loot, disappeared under the waves, 7 survived, but were robbed when they washed up on the beach.

British crewman left on board the captured oil tanker, Sirius Star, held for over two months, said the pirates never practiced the mandatory life boat drill, and as a result, drunk on rum and infatuated with their loot, over $250,000 per man, the "getaway" was a Somalian Clusterfuck.

It was every pirate for himself as they raced to be first in the escape craft to see who could get to town first to buy an Escalade, as due to prior successful hijackings by their neighbors, 3 were left in stock, and only one had the BLING package with 28" wheels.

The only other vehicles available at Somalia dealers were a variety of Chrysler products totaling over 10,500 unsold models from 2007-2009, that even with "employee discounts" didn't appeal to the class conscious pirates, many whom had families in Detroit, Chicago and Philadelphia where they had secured temporary work visas from the Democratic Party.

Complicating the evacuation issue was that half the pirates identified with "The Bloods", and half with "The Crips", 2 rival gangs from the US, using much different dialects of sign language making it difficult to communicate.

Adding to the spectacle, and foretelling disaster, the pirates had stuffed their clothes with so much cash, they couldn't be bothered to even fit themselves with life jackets before they "abandoned" ship.

"Let me tell ya' Mate," said engine oiler Fergus McNutly, a crusty Brit, "the economy killed 'em! Three months ago" he said, "they could have stuffed those pound notes in their pockets and had room left over for a puddin', but with the devaluation after the financial cock up, they even had to stuff fivers up their arse to fit it all on board!"

Big Momma Moshid Rabul Johnson, mother of Hassan "Big One Eye" Johnson Mohammad, one of the drowned pirates, was philosophical.


"I done tole that boy if you're going to get in the pool of life, youse got ta learn to swim! No, not that boy...he always expected someone else to keep 'em afloat. The only reason he turned to this Pirate Business was that after he sent in dat absentee ballot for that no count Obama half darkie, he got tired of waitin' fo' that fat "stimulus" check. The last words he done say to me was, 'Momma, if that fat check done come in while I'm gone, buy yo' self one of them big feathered hats, cause when I come home we be goin' to Wal Mart in style!'

Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli declared $30,000 cash back and a $5,000 death benefit for any Somalians who bought a Dodge Ram Quad Cab. Ms. Johnson said she and her neighbors were planning to buy one and use it as a coffin for a mass burial..."Ole One Eye" really did like that 20 speaker surround sound" she said.."guess we can strap 'em in and he can listen to that Fifty Cent rap till the battery done runs down!"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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