NEW YORK, NY - Dr. Rockyphlesh of Dedfeller Formaldehyde, Inc. reports that its corporation is suing the Rumplestien Aspartame corporation in court today.
Their claim: Rumplestien's Aspartame is cutting into their embalming business.
They cite as evidence the Trocho Study showing that the formaldehyde converted from the free methyl alcohol in aspartame solutions embalms living tissue and damages DNA.
They also cite Dr. Roberts' medical text, Aspartame Disease: An Ignored Epidemic. This text has a page on pre-embalming.
The suit also mentions that it is against Jewish law to embalm the dead. Dedfeller consequently claims that religious freedom is thus preempted by the aspartame consumption.
To raise money for its legal team Rumplestien corporation is selling aspartame to funeral parlors in Los Angeles, since it is not legal for them to purchase formaldehyde. Parlors can easily mix up a batch by combining the aspartame with water. California authorities are too broke to intervene. However, demand is reduced even in this market due to all the diet drinks consumed by vain Californians.
Some European states limit the use of formaldehyde, to exclude embalming. This opens up another market for Rumplestien corporation.
But, according to Dr. Kidpickler of Rumplestien, the newest market opportunity for asparshame producers is a secret weapon. Israeli soda pop producers blend it into sport drinks specially for Hamas rocketeers.