Succumbing to public outcry and intense media scrutiny over his alleged October 2008 sexual liaison with a Presidential Palace concubine, embattled Zimbabwean president Robert Mugabe finally resigned last night.
"Bob has finally done the right thing," said Morgan Tsvangirai, Zimbabwe's main opposition leader, who has doggedly pursued the president for the past three years. "Due to our lack of scarce natural resources the international community found it possible to overlook a brutal military dictatorship, institutionalised torture, human rights abuses, hyperinflation, and an outbreak of Cholera. However when we heard that the President was having an extra marital affair we knew we'd got him. There is no way that a Christian led America would allow that to happen."
Sporting the tidiest tash in African politics (*) Mr Mugabe said: "I am 96 years of age and admit to a serious error of judgement. I hereby announce my decision to stand down from the leadership of ZANU-PF.
"The Party must now select a new Leader. I leave Zimbabwe with my head held high. My record will stand the test of time. However I would not like the fact that I am withdrawing from public life altogether and moving to Paris to be seen as an opportunity by my opponents to seize control.
"Indeed it is my intention to strengthen my grip on the country and I will embark on either another 10 year plan or two 5 year plans. Both will include subsidised piano lessons for all school children under the age of 16, the changing of Christmas day to the 21st February and the provision of free air travel to France for the over 80's."
(*) A Mugabe moustache - "An inexplicably tidy tuft of hair on a right old c@nt", as in Anne Widdecombe having a Brazilian.