Written by matwil
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Topics: Middle East, Hamas, Gaza

Friday, 2 January 2009

image for Hamas declares war on the United States
The Hamas air force prepares to attack New York

Today, in Gaza, Hamas declared war on the USA. Hamas leader Nasser Arafaq addressed a crowd of thousands of Palestinians, and said: 'We declare war on the Great Satan of America! And we declare war on the evil fascists of Israel, though we actually live in Israel - it used to be Palestine, but we can't declare war on ourselves, so -' 'Get on with it!', shouted one heckler.

'OK, we have now armed ourselves for jihad with a new range of peashooters, and the Palestinian Navy will set sail for New York, just as soon as we can find some oars. The Infidels of America and the Zionists of Israel will be shaking with fear, now that our brave men and women will be strategically firing peas at them from inside children's hospitals, by great Caesar!'

And to roars from the crowd he continued: 'Let the Israelis send in their jets, our peashooters will soon blow them out of the sky! And the American warships will be no match for us, our highly-trained cooks and cleaners will rain food-poisoning down on their sailors. Today the Gaza, tomorrow the World Trade Center toilets!'

But some Palestinians weren't too keen on the declaration, and one said: 'Bring back Fatah, all is forgiven. Hamas are going to get us all killed, and for what? Something tells me the Israelis will never stop attacking us if we keep firing peas at them, and what good is it doing us? None at all. Oh well, want to buy a carpet?' And another added: 'I'm sure Hamas will defeat the Americans, destroy their navy, and bring the Israeli air force to its knees. And I'm the Pope! Do me a favour ...'

But Hamas were undeterred by any criticisms, and Mr. Arafaq said: 'We will never surrender to the Israelis or the Americans! We will fight them to the last drop of your blood! We will beat them by getting all of your hospitals and government buildings destroyed! We will fill your graves up with your dead, all in the name of - er - well, something or other that keeps the BBC fully employed. Anyone need a new carpet? Abdullah, get these orders down, at least bombs are good for business.'

Speaking from his grave, Yasser Arafat said: 'Better the devil you know, eh? At least I didn't bring such death and destruction to the Palestinians, Hamas are a bad joke. Egypt made peace with Israel, why can't they? Excuse me, I need to turn in my grave.'

American cities were on full alert, in case the Hamas air force should strike at them, but it's unlikely that hot air balloons could cross the Atlantic safely at this time of the year.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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