Written by Kent Pete
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Tuesday, 6 January 2009

image for Catholic Church finally forgives Lennon

The Vatican has finally forgiven John Lennon for declaring that the Beatles were more famous than Jesus Christ.

Lennon made the notorious remark to a London newspaper in 1966.

The claim angered Christians worldwide and led to Beatles' albums being burnt in huge pyres.

But in an article for the Vatican newspaper, the Catholic Church said the remark was a "boast" from a band at the height of their success.

"The remark by John Lennon, which triggered deep indignation mainly in the United States, after many years sounds only like a 'boast' by a young working-class Englishman faced with unexpected success, after growing up in the legend of Elvis and rock and roll. It really is Presley who we should be after," Vatican daily Osservatore Romano said.

"The Catholic Church would like to let it be known that 'Elvis the Pelvis' is now in our directory of people we don't forgive. How he managed to stay off it for so long amazes us."

Other famous people on the Catholic Church's hit list include:

  1. Idi Amin, Ugandan military dictator.
  2. Dr Ian Paisley, leader of the Protestant Church in Northern Ireland.
  3. Billy Connolly, Scottish comedian famous for his Potty mouth and troubled childhood.
  4. Same Difference, Satanic British pop duo, made up of siblings Sean and Sarah Smith whose ill judged depiction of the 'Night of the Long Knives' on ITV's X Factor 2007 temporarily brought a nation to a standstill.
  5. Oliver Cromwell, English military and political leader with a pathological hatred of all things Catholic.
  6. Dave Allen, seven and a half fingered whiskey drinking Irish comic who would often make jokes about religion, particularly the Roman Catholic Church. Describing himself as a 'practising atheist' Allen died suddenly of a cardiac arrest in 2005. He was given the last rites against his wishes.
  7. Gerry Francis, ex England and QPR midfielder.
  8. Karl Marx, German philosopher, political economist, historian, sociologist, humanist, and revolutionary credited as the founder of communism. Though initially he earnt his place in heaven by highlighting the evils of capitalism, Marx blew it in the last year of his life by saying, "Religion is the opiate of the people!".
  9. Dandy Nichols, English actress most noted for her role as Else Garnett in 'Till Death Us Do Part'.
  10. James VI, King of Scots 1567-1625 and James I, King of England and Ireland from 1603-1625, rumoured to be the same person.
  11. All gays except for Louis Walsh who in April 2007 gave a donation of one million Euros to the St. Anne's Catholic Church Fund in Dublin. A sweeter man you couldn't meet.
  12. Woody Allen, American film director, writer, actor, comedian, and playwright, for making Judaism more trendy than Catholicism in the late 1970's.
  13. Sheryl Leach, creator of Barney the Dinosaur.
  14. Pancho Villa, bloodthirsty South American bandit who persecuted Catholics for a laugh at San Juan Del Rio Catholic Church, Mexico from 11:00am March 24th 1918 to 6:30pm June 5th 1919 stopping only occasionally to eat Chalupas and rape Argentinians.
  15. Adolf Hitler, though brought up as a Roman Catholic, let himself down badly between the years 1934 to 1945.
  16. Anthea Turner, rumoured to be either the mother or sister of number 4.
  17. Pol Pot, also known as Poll Pott, was leader of the communist movement known as the "Khmer Rouge" . Directly responsible for the death of an estimated 750,000 to 1.7 million dental hygienists from 1976 to 1979 (approximately 26% of the population at that time). Cambodians are now believed to suffer with more dental abscesses per head than any other country in the world.

To check if you are on the list of people the Pope will never forgive go to: www.eternaldamnation.web

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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