Written by Morse
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Topics: Obesity, Cruise

Friday, 26 December 2008

image for Cruise Line Announces: Travel With Us and Have Your Fat Ass Pay for Itself!
Cruise Line Offers Obese Passengers Opportunity To "lose their ass" and Gain Credits!

Bergen,Norway/ Cruiser News - Uff Da Cruise Lines (UFDL), announced today the commissioning of a 250 Ton ocean going "Fun Ship" capable of holding 10,000 passengers, while reducing crew to a mere 500 in keeping with demands for less restrictions on passengers who prefer to "run amok" as they see fit.

The behemoth, tentatively named the SS Bloat, will be the first liner with a self sustaining fuel source. As part of a reaction to Global Warming, the new power plant, endorsed by Al "Tubby" Gore, will be fueled exclusively with Lypodiesel, using a new process invented by a Hollywood, California doctor who caters to ass heavy stars and thunder thighed divas.

One pound of human fat can be changed into 1 gallon of lypodiesel, and with 10,000 obese cruisers on board, the ship can run "indefinitely" according to Marketing Director and Fuel Resource Officer Bjorn Bjornsen.

Ship architects have built in 150 conveniently located lyposuction stations around the ship. For each pound of fat surrendered by overweight passengers they will receive l ship board credit, which can be redeemed in a myriad of fun filled adventure stations catering to their life styles.

Finance Officer Swen Kroner said the unique program is similar to a "Reverse Mortgage". "You've been haulin' your ass around for years, why not start having it pay for itself!"

Included in the design of the new ship will be 52" corridors, up from the standard 36" hallways, which made it difficult for motorized scooters carrying passengers with "double wide" asses to pass safely, especially around curves.

Each scooter, available to any passenger over 350 pounds, will have its own cooler chest in order for the rider to stuff a few extra goodies away for those private times when no one is watching and they can stuff their face while wanking themselves to increase their personal gastronomic pleasure.

The serving counters on the ship's 75 buffet stations, serving food 24/7, will also be lowered to accommodate "roll up" eaters who want to be able to "belly up" to the bar and get their fair share.

The Entertainment Director, Sir Winston Poofster, said the ship will have a long list of ship board firsts to entertain passengers. A 1800' zip line, traversing the ship from stem to stern and passing above and through the ship's laundry, will be the most exciting highlight.

To add to travelers hedonism, there will be 4 tattoo parlors, 24 hour Karaoke in half of the ships 65 self serve pubs, and a nude sunbathing section on deck 28, just aft of the 4 lypodiesel fume spewing funnels.

The maiden voyage, set for April Fools Day, 2010, has already been booked by Rosie O'Donnel and 9,999 of her closest fans. Commodore Erik Petersen said the O'Donnel group will be perfect for the "shake down" cruise and "give the ship a chance to completely fuel up before it even leaves he dock ."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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