Written by Gurmeet Mattu
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Thursday, 25 December 2008

Porn star Lulu Slutbutt plans to sue producers of the 847 films she has made this year, claiming that they were negligent in their duty of care toward her.

"They have ruined my asshole," she said, "I now have absolutely no control over my sphincter. I appreciate that it was my gorgeous butt that got me so far in the business but their insistence that I submit to anal sex in every movie has left me with the slackest butt-hole on the planet. It's very embarrassing, especially when I'm visiting my mother. I can't even have a discreet fart in case I have an accident."

Lulu, real name Evadne Slutbutt, added, "It's a form of repetitive strain injury (RSI) of the pooper. Male porn stars are, of course, extremely well endowed but I really can't blame them, they were only doing their job."

Producer Lou Slimeball, Lulu's last employer said, "She's full of shit. We only give the public what they want, and anyway we suspect she's been taking it up the ass in her personal life, so who's to say we're at fault."

Lulu admitted that she and her boyfriend, Cecil, did indulge in the unnatural activity, but insisted that as Cecil had a normal sized pecker, he could not be blamed. "Cecil has called off our wedding plans," she sobbed, "as he does not want to marry a woman with a slack ass. If I'd known this was going to happen I would never have accepted those roles. Either that or insisted that they get a stunt butt in for the penetration scenes. They have ruined my life as I can no longer wear white trousers."

A spokesman for the Porn Producer's Association suggested a compromise by offering to have Lulu's asshole surgically narrowed, but the actress refused to consider this as she will never bare her butt without payment.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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