Written by Felix Minderbinder
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Topics: Santa, NORAD

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

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Norad tracks Santa menace

COLORADO SPRINGS (FMLiveWire) - Who says the Santa Claus communist threat doesn't exist?

The military personnel here at NORAD charged with being the eyes in the sky are believers and are acting like the threat is very real.

The North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) which monitors air and space dangers against the U.S. and Canada is active in its annual Christmas mission to protect children from the threat of the Santa Claus infiltration of their homes bearing commie "gifts."

"Santa is up to his old anti-capitalist tricks, and we hope to nail him this year," said Senior Master Sgt. Perry "Paranoid" Pinhead, 49, who for five years has been a Santa tracker here, taking calls from those wanting to know the location of "Old St. Nick."

According to NORAD, the Santa menace of his latest flight began early Wednesday at the International Date Line in the Pacific Ocean.

Historically, Santa visits the South Pacific first, then New Zealand and Australia. NORAD points out that only Santa knows his route, which is plotted by his evil elves.

Last year, NORAD's Santa tracking center answered 940,000 calls and responded to 100,000 e-mails. About 80.6 million visitors went to the Web site, which can be viewed in English, Spanish, French, Italian, German, Japanese and Chinese.

Fearful youngsters can follow Santa's path online with a Google two-dimensional map or in 3D using Google Earth, where he can sometimes be seen flying in his sleigh despite its stealth technology.

NORAD officials are hesitant to list all the potential sites Santa will infiltrate.

"Historically, Santa has visited the Great Wall of China like the commie he is. He loves the Space Needle in Seattle. He also of course loves the Eiffel Tower," Pinhead said.

"But his path is completely unpredictable, so we have missed him with our missiles. Heat-seeking technology just doesn't work on his sleigh and he also uses aluminum foil to confuse out radar."

Pinhead went on to speculate that Claus was affiliated with the Taliban and other insurgent forces.

"But we will shoot him down this year for sure," he stated grimly. "Claus control is a major part of NORAD's work."

--Copyright Felix Minderbinder Live Wire

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