Written by Gurmeet Mattu
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Wednesday, 24 December 2008

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The Catholic Church has finally faced up to the problem of over-population by permitting its adherents to masturbate. They will, in the words of the Bible be allowed to 'spill their seed upon the ground', though they admit this could be messy and the use of paper tissues is recommended.

However, strict rules will apply to Catholic masturbators, especially with regard to who you think about while indulging in the practice. These include:-

  • Married men must think about their wife (but not her sister).
  • Unmarried men must think about the woman they intend to marry, if she is aware of their intention.
  • Thinking about farm animals is strictly forbidden, unless they are very good-looking.
  • Thinking about film stars is permitted if they are Oscar winners, though this excludes Meryl Streep.
  • Thinking about other men is forbidden, even if he did wink at you.
  • Thinking about the Pope is permitted, but only if you are on first name terms.

Other rules state that only the right hand must be used, and that with a medium to firm grip. The use of love dolls or any other mechanical aid is also forbidden if they are out of their warranty period.

Irish bishop, Paddy O'Nan welcomed the new rules by saying, "This finally removes the stigma of being a wanker from many of my flock. The Church has finally taken things in hand."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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