The Roman Catholic Church has issued guidance for future priests and nuns to have psychological tests to weed out those unable to control their sexual urges.
The document, approved by Pope Benedict XVI and made public on Thursday, is rumoured to state these will include sitting naked while attached to a polygraph and viewing a medley of provocative erotica and screened salacious photos of semi-clad nuns and choirboys.
Vatican spokesman for Carnal Affairs, Cardinal Viagra Mozarella, told reporters "We have to put a stop to our priests humping members of their church choirs, it's costing us a fortune in law suits. The die-hard homo's are tolerable, they only bugger each other; or the wanking addicts who sit in the confessional jacking themselves off. It's the paedo's we've got to get shut of : and the zoophiles too, bonking sheep and other pretty voluptuous farm animals."
Another senior Vatican priest who spoke to the Christian Weekly Shitraker on conditions of anonymity, (Fr. Venereal Priapus), said a series of recent sex scandals had contributed to the rewriting of the Churches deviant employee guidelines.
He said screening would hopefully help avoid further tragic situations caused by what they termed psychological defects, such as novice priests who had deep-seated homosexual tendencies, or were complete wankers.
Among other traits that might make a candidate unsuitable for the priesthood, the Vatican's new advice lists "uncertain sexual identity : not knowing if one is Adam or Steve, or wishes to be Madam or Eve."
The term "excessive rigidity of character" was elucidated as to mean priests with a constant erection; and "strong affective dependencies", translated to Mother Superior / Dominatrix worship by both male and female seminarians.
The document also makes reference to heterosexual urges, which while still frowned upon, are far preferred by Vatican elders than a Church renown to consist of strapon dildo-clad lesbian nuns playing 'hump the penguin' behind closed convent doors, and arse-bandit paedo' priests buggering each other and their soprano choirboys.
It further states seminarians should be barred if the Vatican's new sexual arousal testing makes it 'evident the candidate has difficulty living in celibacy' : that is, if a novice priest or nun declare they'd sooner be scourged and crucified than go without a good shag every couple of weeks.
The proverbial scandal scales were tipped last August when a Catholic church academy in Austria, the St. Sodom's Seminary for Latter-Day Pederasts, was shut down after revelations that students openly indulged in homosexual conduct and several required sphincter replacements to prevent their bowels dropping out.
Gay rights groups have accused the Church of using homosexuals as scapegoats to disguise and conceal a long and established history of abuse scandals, dating back to the crucifixion of Christ, and the Inquisition, through to aiding Nazi war criminals by furnishing them with Vatican passports, to the recent cover-up of a Curia Cardinal being caught fragrante delicto in a Jacuzzi hot tub at one of Rome's infamous massage spa's, with a pig, two sheep and a fifteen-year-old Albanian pole dancer.