On Monday, Pope Benedict XVI was reported as saying that the importance of saving humanity from homosexual or transsexual behaviour is equally as important as halting the rampant destruction of the world's rainforests.
He went on to say that humans attempts to define and shape their own lives, and thus become happy and fulfilled individuals, goes against truth and the natural order of things as decided by God. No mention was made about whether God had originally intended for humanity to have free will or whether it was an error which had slipped by his Creationist proof readers.
His Holiness' homosexual/transsexual/rainforest argument allegedly comes from new evidence provided by crack Vatican scientists who had been working in a top secret gas powered laboratory in Rawtenstall, which mysteriously exploded on the same day the Pope made his speech. One of the alleged scientists may or may not have been quoted as saying "We have established that homosexuals and transsexuals do not play any active part in removing carbon dioxide from the atmosphere, unlike trees, and are therefore directly as responsible for rising atmospheric temperatures as those countries that continue the rapid deforestation of their beautiful natural resources where all the ickle birdy-wirdies and cuddly-wuddly tree folk live".
The hairy palmed laboratory monkey may then have been quoted further: "The famous Monty Python lumberjack sketch was actually a piece of evil propaganda encouraging homosexuals to hack down any trees within easy reach of an axe or chainsaw. The rising global temperatures will lead to a climate where we spend our time sitting around swimming pools in neon, body hugging Lycra while sipping cocktails and looking on as sweating, bronzed, muscle bound Adonises lift weights and strut around like some sort of heady glimpse into the mind of a young, topless George Michael. Who knows what debauched, Bacchanalian revelry they might indulge in?" he may then have been heard to say wistfully and with a slight whimper, while biting his lower lip and blushing.
The Pope's speech was made during his annual year-end address to an audience comprised of his Vatican departmental staff, known as VD's. Unfortunately, no-one was available to comment on whether or not His Holiness performed his traditional party piece impersonation of an elephant, just as his speech reached its rapturous climax.