Written by Rusty
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Sunday, 21 December 2008

image for Hebrides Hedgehog Cull hits Opposition
Benbecula Vampire Porcuhog

Scottish Natural Heritage will continue their cull of hedgehogs in the Outer Hebrides, as they pose a threat to ground-nesting game birds and their eggs.

This obviously presents a nusiance factor to the rich and shameless landed gentry who breed the game birds so they might indulge in hours of personal enjoyment by blasting them to pieces with shotguns.

Animal rights campaigners, including the Uist Hedgehog Rescue, claim the killings are inhumane, and have now recruited members of the loony Celebrity arena to support their cause.

Brian May, ex-Queen rock group guitarist and former Middlesex old rope saleman, has written to the SNH chairman John Killemall, outlining his concerns over the cull and questioning why the hedgepigs can't be trans-located.

Rumours have reached the news desk of TheSpoof.com that one strategy proposed by the Uist Hedgehog Rescue cadre is to trans-locate all Hebridean hedgehogs to Rockall.

This sparked instant controversy among the sacred islet's naturalists who drew comparisons with the red haggis / gray haggis dilemma, whereas the introduction of the latter had decimated the indigenous former across the Scottish Highlands.

Ms. Sonica Spineball of the Rockall Insectivora Trust estimated "Our own aboriginal Greater Crested Hedgehogs might well be endangered by an influx of alien Erinaceinae species, especially the hybrid porcupine / hedgehog cross: those nasty bastard Benbecula Vampire Porcuhogs."

"I once saw a hunting pair bring down a Highland Crumplehorn ram and rip it's balls off then disembowel it. Quite an orgasmic sight to behold, I tell you. Blood and guts everywhere."

A partial cull of Rockall's Greater Crested Hedgehog population several years ago proved an unmitigated disaster when it was discovered their spines were so tightly packed that 12 gauge pellets and .303 rounds simply ricocheted off them. Depleted uranium ballistic projectiles were eventually deployed in the cull, but these too were ineffective, apart from the fact targeted hedgehogs became noctiluminescent and were easier to track and net.

Joining May in the self-promoting Celebrity ranks of hedgehog cull opposition are Sir Paul McCarthorse, Sir Tim Egg Fried Rice, Joanna Lumley and of course, everyone's second favourite, Sting, whose spiny coiffure bears a close resemblance to a hedgepig's arse.

Rumours that Bono and Blob Geldork will take a break from their mission to end famine in Africa and bring about World peace, and endorse the anti-hedgehog cull movement are, mercifully, as yet still rumours.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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