Written by Rusty
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Topics: Environment, drought

Saturday, 20 December 2008

image for Rockall Faces Worst Drought Since Dawn of Time
Barracuda Brook dries up: Massive fishkill

Hosepipe bans might be introduced across Rockall to stave off the threat of an extinction level event drought of Biblical proportions, the island's Environment Agency has warned.

Local car boot entrepreneur and official Rockall shaman, Pigswill Pete, lamented that his traditional rain dance performed on Periwinkle Point last Friday night after the pubs closed seemed to have failed miserably in its objective.

Environment Agency spokeslapper Debs Shagnasty said the island is gripped by what could become the worst seasonal December drought since time began.

She warned that extreme measures of queuing in the streets for water at standpipes, or having supplies cut to households at certain times, could happen this winter as the island suffers its driest period since 1721, with levels at Rockall's Ragnar Reservoir reaching a record low.

Ms. Shagnasty, of the agency's Yeast Logic' department, also called for compulsory metering and better education of customers.

"If everyone on Rockall saved four liters of water a week by turning off the tap while showering it would be enough to run the sprinklers on the country club golf course and keep the greens pristine for Spring," she informed Rockall Times Environment editor Lenny Sproggit.

The current drought might also portend an economic downturn for Rockall's established industries.

The lack of Autumn and Winter rainfall has seen Twatscratcher Brook drop to an alarming low, with a mere trickle wetting the upper rapids, and thus hindering the return of homing salmon to their annual spawning grounds in Loch Lamprey. Fears have been voiced that this may have drastic consequences for the island's fish canning industry.

Ms. Anita Dorkwrangler, a holistic healing therapist at the popular Rub and Tug Massage Clinic on Slappers Lane, expressed her concerns to the Times.

"If the effin' water's rationed 'ow are we gonna keep the clinic's spa section runnin' cos we ain't gonna be able to fill up the en suite jacuzzis."

"'ow would you fancy rubbin' down an' jackin' off mobs of 'alf-pissed sweaty, stinkin' smoked 'addock salesmen if yer can't give 'em a good scrubbin' first ?"

Good point Anita, rubber gloves and blocked sinuses perhaps.

On a brighter note the patrons of the Fighting Dog and Pikey pub were unanimous in their positive collective opinion that water rationing might see the draught beer getting stronger.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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