Washington, D.C. - Overly concerned that no one in Washington, D.C. will be attending the anti-inauguration ball his was planning to throw for Barack Obama, just because of his recent confession on national TV of using torture to solicit information from accused terrorists, Dick Cheney paces the full length of the Oval Office floor.
With hand in fist behind his back, guilt and remorse fill his heart and head, Cheney regrets his admission fearing it may be unfavorably influencing his social standing in the tight knit circled community that is Capitol Hill.
Mulling over in his mind how it all came to this, Cheney recalls it was his staff that advised him that he should make light of the seriousness of the situation and steal the thunder away from his critics. Primarily, the signatories to the Geneva Convention, the World Court at the Hague and all the kids that had to take Little Billy's Tree House pledge not to harm any of God's creatures with his Marksman Repeater BB gun.
"Cheney decided on his own to go with the whole "S and M" themed anti-inauguration ball, contrary to our council against it," said a member of Cheney's staff. "He even went so far as to pose for a photo he inserted into the invitations. Now it's too late to recall them. We already mailed them out. RSVP and all."
Dressed up in a full body black leather "S and M" suit with matching hood and whip, the caption over the unidentified masked man's head read: "Master Blaster commands you, my puppy, to attend, or else! I guarantee you will have a ball! Or I will personally stick a bright orange one in your mouth!"
"It's the social faux pas of the century," said a Washington, D.C. insider. "People were calling the police, reporting the invitations as a threat."
However, once it was determined that Cheney was the man in the leather mask and behind the invitations, they dropped their criminal complaints and simply said, "Oh. That makes sense."
"They all let out a nervous laugh," said the Washington, D.C. insider. "You know, the forced kind. One you make when you think you're being watched."
Then they all locked their doors, pulled down their window shades, reset their house alarms and circled their calendars with red inked pens, counting down the number of days left until Obama takes the oath of office."