ENGLAND - In breaking news that is shaking the science world, scientists at Bourge' Laboratory located just outside Liverpool have discovered that the smallest unit of matter on Earth is not the atom which has been known to be the smallest unit on Earth for centuries; it is Howard Stern's penis.
The man who made this ground-breaking discovery is scientist, Dr. Pierre Jacque Christi-Petain.
"Monsieur Stern has always talked about how small his penis which got me thinking, just how small is it? Any man that makes such claims as to just how small objects are I believe they should be tested for verification. This is the only way to prove such claims are true. "
Bourge' Laboratory flew Mr. Stern to England to measure the length and width of his penis.
"As Monsieur Stern undressed, I had my research staff test him for any illnesses, bacteria, anything like that, and to look over his body for any physical markings that may need to be taken into account when we examine his penis." Dr. Christi-Petain stated.
"We found that he has a touch of cellulite, just a touch, but remarkable feet! Not a single instance of evolution toe on either foot."
Flora Montague MD, who is not a Howard Stern fan particularly, found herself to be very attracted to his sensitivity, sense of humor, intellect, and his body."
"What a charming man. I found myself smiling a lot while I was talking to him." Montague stated as her cheeks blushed with a hint of red hue.
"But, his body - his body I found to be very intriguing. It was long, thin, toned yet feminized. Like, a Bosnian artist's interpretation of a Roman warrior. He should be studied in art as well, not just science."
Astrophysicist, Dr. Charles 'Shorty' Schumer, the lab class-clown concluded that after observing Howard nude that if Howard were gay, he'd be a total bottom.
When the measuring process began, Dr. Christi-Petain and his staff were met with several obstacles, such as the proverbial stench of Howard's stink finger, and his constant request to get Dr. Montague to ride the Sybian, but the biggest obstacle that they could not overcome was they could not locate his penis. Not his shaft, balls, cock, mushroom tip, taint, nothing. Just his bush.
"At first, we assumed maybe he was castrated, but he assured us he was not. "
Dr. Christi-Petain then asked Mr. Stern to lay under a very large microscope known as particle accelerator designed for humans.
"We created this particle accelerator so that we could see extra-fine bacteria and viruses in human beings that the naked-eye alone cannot see. "
As he lay across the accelerator table, the research staff then began to acutely observe.
They then turned up the lighting and changed lenses.
Even at the highest frequency, a frequency only used to observe matter of atoms, there was not one sign of penis. Until, finally, after hours of observation, a small outline of his penis.
This is when history was made and all that we know in science has changed forever.
"Based on the shadowing and the characteristics of a penis, we are confident that that is in fact, Mr. Stern's penis." Dr. Christi-Petain earnestly stated falling into his chair in shock and excitement.
"Not only is he correct in saying he has a small penis, but much more than that, his penis is scientifically proven to be the smallest unit of matter on Earth!"
The smallest form of atom is the helium atom at 10-8cm and Howard Stern's penis was measured at 20-10cm leading to the conclusion that since atoms are 99% empty space, Howard Stern's penis is 100% empty space.
Without haste, Dr. Christi-Petain and his staff began phoning laboratories and science and medicine scholars all over the globe deliberating the news about Howard's Stern's penis.
This monumental discovery of something minute is growing with fervor. Research symposiums are already being set-up in every major industrialized and developing country. And, reservations to attend a symposium, anywhere, are already backed up for years.
Area pro-life administrative assistant Debbie Brown of Bio-Med Inc. located in Little Rock, Arkansas is already hard at work on the very first detailed PowerPoint presentation illustrating Howard Stern's penis for local scientists.
"I knew God had a plan for me. I am really, truly blessed. Science is the math of the devil, yes, but I get to use PowerPoint and show off my creative skills! PowerPoint was my favorite class at Devry!" Brown exclaims.
Debbie is already brainstorming clever ideas for how this PowerPoint will look.
"I think I'll stick a verse here! Luke 20:1 will look great here. That's a verse about teaching. That makes sense, yeah? It's consistent with teaching science and all. Oh, and a cross will look really nice here! I'm going to make a real hum-dinger presentation of Howard Stern's penis. One that will just knock the socks off the entire scientific, heterosexual community! But, most importantly, one that will make Christ proud."
Modifications of scientific journals, scholarly articles, even school text books across the globe will immediately follow with the deletion of the atom as the world's smallest unit of matter, replacing it with Howard Stern's penis as the world's smallest unit of matter.
Sixth grade science teacher, Franklin Stenson stated that upon hearing the news, he has already begun teaching his students about the world's newest smallest unit and is proud to be the first generation of teachers who will be drawing Howard Stern's penis on blackboards across the world.
"I am anxious to start teaching Howard Stern's penis to kids. To teach them its nucleus, protons, neutrons, electrons, mass and matter. Just delving into this whole new discovery that is Howard Stern's penis! These are great times to live. So much discovery. So much more to come!"
Mr. Stenson does admit that he will have to correct himself from time to time since he's not used to referring to the world's smallest unit as Howard Stern's penis.
"Today students we are going to study the mass of the atom -err, Howard Stern's penis."
Children are already making up nicknames for the world's smallest unit like shortcock, proton penis, rice krispy, neutron nuts and nuclei penei.