Jesus's mother, Mary, today shocked absolutely nobody when she revealed that the entire religion of Christianity is basically 'a massive fraud, invented by a used carpet salesman in Tarsus, you know, Paul Wotsisname. My boy rising from the dead, and being some sort of Messiah? Do me a favour! He had a serious drink problem, and never showed me the respect a son should show to his mother. Yep, a typical Jewish boy!'
When it was pointed out to her that her son's birthday was coming up soon, she burst out laughing. 'He was born right at the time of the winter solstice? Yeah, sure! Must have strange sheep around about Palestine! Next thing you'll be saying he somehow came to life again after been killed, and came to life again right at the time of the spring equinox - you know, the time that Europeans have celebrated for thousands of years by worshipping the pagan god of Easter. Please, not even a child would believe this nonsense! Excuse me, I have some kosher unleavened bread to prepare. My boy a saviour coming to life again - hilarious! I'll make him wish he'd never been born when I get hold of him - and his stepdad will have a thing or two to say about this! Messiah Schmessiah, he always was big-headed ...'
Many Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus every year - by celebrating the winter solstice, naturally, and eating and drinking and putting lights on trees, before declaring war on any Middle-Eastern countries that have coincidentally large supplies of oil or opium - well, it's what Jesus would have wanted, 250,000 Iraqi civilians dead to keep Wall Street busy. 'Love your enemy and turn the other cheek?', Mary laughed, 'sounds like hippy crap to me. What time does Bloomingdales close? Gotta get some crackers made by slaves in North Korea. Merry Hypocristmas!'
The Spanish Inquisition was too busy killing Protestants across Europe to comment, but it's current leader - Pope Guilty of Naziness - had absolutely nothing to say about Mary's claims, except 'What would she know, she only gave birth to Jesus, it was us who turned him into an immortal superhero. Kinda handy for us, him being born at the solstice and getting reborn at Easter! The two pagan festivals we needed to take over! At least we've managed to keep his weird ideas quiet - you know, about loving and forgiving people, and helping and healing and self-sacrifice. Thanks to us, Christianty is about mass-murdering as many non-believers across the world as we can, for money and power and oil. Heil Jesus!'
The winter solstice was unavailable for comment, but the summer one said: 'At least they've not got their hands on me! Jesus was just another prophet, a human being that the Romans decided to turn into a god to replace the pagan religions across Europe. Imagine taking it all seriously, duh!!!!'
But a passing lion muttered 'I rather like Christians myself, but only if you hold the Worcestershire sauce. Where shall we dine this evening, dear - the Colosseum or the Circus Maximus?' The people of Bethlehem were under curfew yet again this evening, thanks to the backing the soldiers there receive from the Christian nation of the United States of America.