Pompous police officers from County Cork have announced that St Nicolas will not be allowed to drive his sleigh around Ireland this Christmas and are urging forces across the world to take an equally draconian stance.
"It's the sherry," said Hugh O'Toole. "At every house he stops at he's left a small glass of sherry. It might only be a small glass, but it soon mounts up. We calculated that he only needs to visit five houses to be over the limit. With twenty thousand houses to visit in County Cork alone, we've worked out that he will be well and truly plastered."
The Irish have long had a tradition of drinking at Christmas (as well as the other days of the year), but they do not think that this should excuse Santa.
"Just because he's a fictional character re-invented in the fifties by Coca-Cola doesn't put him above the law," said O'Toole. "If he still wants to make his deliveries this year, he'd better get a chauffeur. And I'm not really convinced that letting a drunk fat man into children's bedroom's whilst they sleep is a good idea, especially as he only visits the nice ones."
Friends of O'Toole have admitted in private that he is a vindictive numpty who didn't get presents last Christmas.