County Downwind, Ireland - This lush Irish countryside, once brown as far as the eye could see with pig farms, now lies empty and desolate in the wake of the recent devastating tainted pork recall.
The Irish government has acted quickly to recall all pork products due to contamination with cancer-causing dioxins found in pig feed from one of the country's largest supplier. As a result, there's not a pork pie, banger, smoked gammon ham or rasher of Irish bacon to be had anywhere on the island.
"Without pork products, there's nothing left to eat for any one of us in the whole of Ireland," lamented Oink McGuiness. "My dear departed mudder, bless her soul, went without to feed me her last pan drippings last week."
Oink's story is growing all too common across Ireland as the starving populace struggles to survive.
An ugly incident was reported in Dunnes supermarket yesterday when three women fought over the last slab of lard on the dairy shelf.
"It was unbelievable," said the shocked Dunnes store manager. "Bloody hell! They tore each other's hair out, ripped off clothing, knocked out teeth, and it appeared they were all dead sober. I've never seen nothing like it. By the time they were done scrappin' the lard was smeared all over the isle floor so no one got it in the end."
Long queues of gaunt Irish émigrés have been reported at all airports waiting to board flights out of the country in the wake of the worst disaster since the Great Irish Potato Famine in the 1840s. Emaciated and with sunken, hollow eyes, and lacking that tell-tale Irish tallow smell, the refugees saw no hope in a country without pork.
"We're off to England where we've herd (sic) there are more pigs than you can shake a stick at," said one Irish refugee. Another declared he was heading to America. "We've heard tales their streets are paved with double bacon cheeseburgers and triple-sausage pizzas for manhole covers. It will be worth the arduous 6 hour flight for a chance to survive."
With hundreds of thousands already having fled Ireland and millions more lined up at airports and ferry docks waiting for the first opportunity to leave the country, the government is up to its neck in bullshit over the pork scandal.
"Irish people can't live without pork and are leaving here in droves now that Ireland is a pork-free zone," said Veterinary Health and Foreign Minister, Mary O'Drivel. "But the government is responding to the crisis and we've found a golden opportunity in the midst of this crisis. Every pork belly has a silver lining."
Today the Irish government took the bold step of opening its borders to all Muslim and Jewish immigrants, promising them free land and businesses and that Ireland would remain forever a pork-free zone. Dublin has been renamed Tel-Amarket and Shannon is to be known as MacCa.
So far few Muslim and Jewish immigrants have taken up the generous Irish offer, fearing the Irish government is telling them porkies and trying to sell them a pig in a poke.