For nearly 800 years, Christopher Rudolph Kringle, better known as Santa Claus, has been traveling across the globe every Christmas Eve, giving presents to all the good children and raping all the bad ones.
But this year, he's retiring. For the first time since 1211, parents will be burdened with purchasing gifts for their good children and raping the bad ones.
"I need some 'me time'," the jolly obese man was quoted as saying, "The wife is sick of me working with little elves all the time."
Parents are not very pleased with this situation. One father who wished to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, "This isn't supposed to happen. He [Claus] is supposed to do this crap, not us. Do you know how much a set of K'Nex goes for?"
However, it's not all bad news - several elves will cover a shorter version of the old route. Beginning at 1am on December 25th, six elves will cover six orphanages, raping all the bad kids and giving great presents to the good ones. For the ones that asked Santa for parents, they will not gain anything but will lose hope.
Santa says, "These people don't care about my needs - it's always give, give, give, every god-damn year. First I give them presents, then their kids, then their grandkids, for almost 800 years! Do you know what that does to a man's social life? It's truly depressing, it really is."