Written by David David
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Topics: France, Theft, Paris, diamonds

Friday, 5 December 2008

image for $108 Million Diamond Heist in Paris
No one suspected that it might be Nicholas Sarkozy in drag who robbed the Harry Winston diamond salon

La Ville-Lumiere, France - Armed robbers stormed the Paris branch of jeweller Harry Winston and waltzed out with a cool $108 million in diamonds yesterday.

The robbers were variously described by witnesses as four men, two dressed as drag queens or four women, two dressed as drag kings.

Shop assistant kd lang was forced to empty a display case of jewellery and watches into the thieves' sack. "I saw them up close and personal," claimed Ms lang, "and they were definitely Drag Kings. I use the same shade of eyeliner to highlight my moustache."

Doorman Graham Norton disagreed in his statement to the French police. "No, they were definitely Drag Queens," asserted Norton. "And they weren't armed. That wasn't a gun in his pocket; he was just happy to see me."

Harry Winston Corporation, owner of the Paris salon just off the famous Champs-Elysées, is known as the king of diamonds. Their stores in London, Paris, New York, Beverly Hills, Tokyo and Hong Kong deal exclusively in high-end luxury jewellery and watches.

According to shop assistant kd lang, this is the second time in as many years that the Paris store has been robbed. "Last year they broke in and stole $10 million worth of diamonds. Actually that was just one necklace, so it wasn't such a big deal."

"But this latest robbery was much worse. They took a necklace, two rings and a mother-in-law watch this time totalling $108 million that we were holding for a high-profile customer. Mon Dieu! Mon Dieu!"

"It's not going to be a very Joyeux Noël at the Bruni-Sarkozy house this Christmas, is it?" snickered doorman Graham Norton. "Carla would have looked lovely in that necklace."

Interpol have put out an all points bulletin, fearing the thieves have fled the country. The somewhat confusing police composite sketch of the robbers has produced many leads, most of which unfortunately have turned out to be false.

In Sydney Australia, Dame Edna Everage was stopped and strip searched outside a pawn shop when she was mistakenly taken for one of the robbers attempting to fence her jewels.

Dame Edna was appalled by the false allegation and humiliating strip search. "Believe me, possums, if I had wanted any of that cheap Harry Winston tat, I would have ordered it online so as not to be seen in their tacky establishment. They've got Graham Norton as a doorman, for Christ's sake."

The Interpol police sketch of the robbers also created an awkward situation in Washington, DC when Hillary Clinton was tackled and wrestled to the ground by plainclothesmen who turned all the pockets of her pantsuit inside-out.

Clinton stood her ground and said defiantly, "Look, I've got more balls than Bill or Obama, but I'm not a cross-dresser. And these Harry Winston diamond-encrusted cufflinks were a welcoming gift from Condi Rice, if you must know."

QVC jewellery queen Joan Rivers has quickly capitalised on the recent Harry Winston robbery by hawking her knock-offs as a viable alternative.

"Can you blame me?" asked Rivers. "If I can land Carla Bruni and Nicholas Sarkozy as clients, then I can probably retire at 90."

"I'll even throw in a free limited edition keepsake box with a jewel-encrusted French tickler for his mother-in-law with a barge pole extension so she can still pleasure herself from the next room."

"Don't look at me that way!" added Rivers. "Everything drops to the floor when you're our age."

Unfortunately for Ms Rivers, as she spread her legs to demonstrate, the $108 million Harry Winston necklace, two rings and mother-in-law watch stolen in Paris dropped to the floor as well.

In exchange for immunity, Ms Rivers is said to be cooperating with police and has implicated Carla Bruni, her mother, and Nicholas Sarkozy as the other three accomplices in the Paris robbery.

Apparently the plan involved stealing the jewellery from Harry Winston, Joan Rivers fencing it through her cheap but exquisite QVC collection, and Sarkozy and Bruni buying it back from the shopping channel when the price hit $19.99.

Sarkozy, Bruni and her mother have retained disbarred lawyer Bill Clinton to defend them.

"Their defence is simple and will win," declared Clinton. "It's the economy, stupid."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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