Written by Chuck Barber
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Topics: Terrorism, Sport

Thursday, 10 June 2004

In a last minute effort to head off any potential problems relating to terrorism at the Summer 2004 Athens Olympic Games, Jacques Rogge, President of the IOC, announced today that Terrorism would be introduced this year as a competitive sport in the Olympic Games.

Long concerned about construction delays and logistical nightmares in Athens, the IOC decided to attempt to take one potential nightmare off the table. Athletes the world over, and especially those from the United States have hinted that security issues could force them to stay home. In fact, the US basketball team has been ravaged by defections of top players who fear an attack of some sort.

"This should put all competitors at ease," said Rogge. "The sport of Terrorism will allow the terrorists to blow up people all day long without harming the spectacle that is the Olympic Games. The Games will go on, and everyone will be able to appreciate the art and sportsmanship of the terrorist killer."

Terrorism the sport will allow competition in individual and team events.

Individual sports will include Firing Into Crowds, Fire Bombing and Suicide Bombings.

Team sports will include Car Bombs, Mortar Attacks and Hijackings.

Rogge pointed out that the Olympics will recruit volunteers to be blown up and shot from nursing homes, hospitals and lunatic asylums as well as anyone interested in sports; he expects to have no shortage of persons excited about in participating in the Olympics.

"Terrorist sport will prove, I feel certain, to be one of the most exciting events in the Olympics," he said. "It will be judged on a scale to be determined, the same as many other sports, however, the body count will also factor in. It will be complicated, but fair."

The Grand Finale Championship event, Rogge and Athens Mayor Dora Bakoyianni jointly announced, will be an all-out terrorist attack on Sparta.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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