Brussels, Belgium - The European Commission has issued its much-anticipated guidelines regulating the health and safety of transporting illegal immigrants into the EU and between member countries.
EC spokesperson, Noah Passaporta explained the new illegal immigrant transportation rules at a recent press conference held inside a refrigerated lorry at a German-Belgian border truck stop.
Requesting reporters to ignore several frozen human figures huddled together at the far end of the lorry, Commissioner Passaporta provided the history behind the EU actions.
"Well, a bunch of us commissioners were sitting around the Belle Époque cafe with nothing to do after the recent EU deregulation of fruit and vegetable shapes and sizes. Imagine bendy cucumbers and knobbly carrots are now legal again! C'est dommage!"
"After several more rounds of Stellas, one of our commissioners threw out the idea that we needed to regulate something else or our jobs would eventually be on the line.
That's when it hit us; we weren't regulating one of the largest and fastest growing industries in the EU, namely illegal immigrant transportation."
Commissioner Noah Passaporta was now exhaling frosty breath into the freezing refrigerated lorry as he continued to explain the EU procedures for regulating illegal immigrant transportation.
Fact finding missions were set up and dispatched to several EU areas to gather relevant information on the health and safety status of illegal immigrant transportation.
"In Spain, we found many bodies of Africans washed up on the beaches and tentatively concluded that the length of the illegal boat trips must not be as long as the actual Strait of Gibraltar," revealed Commissioner Passaporta.
"Imagine if EU ferries let their passengers off miles before reaching the dock. No one would stand for it. Even Italy would eventually come around and make their ferries arriving from Sicily go the whole distance before disembarkation."
"Of course we can't realistically expect non-EU countries to live up to EU standards overnight, which is when most of these boat trips occur. So our new regulation is that smuggling boats must go at least 70% of the distance, eventually reaching a 90% target by 2025."
Another EU fact finding delegation found that numerous illegal immigrants were routinely crammed into fake compartments in lorry undercarriages and wheel arches and transported for hundreds and thousands of miles inside the EU.
Commissioner Noah Passaporta declared these practices would be outlawed under the new EU guidelines.
"Our health and safety experts recommended that no more than six adult illegal immigrants should be transported in fake lorry undercarriage compartments," he announced, adding "or three adults and six children. And no more than one illegal adult or child can be wedged inside the wheel arches at a time."
Often there is no food, water or ventilation on such lorry smuggling routes, and many illegal immigrant deaths are sensationally reported annually as a result.
"We are consulting with no-frills airlines to help solve this problem," stated Commissioner Passaporta. "All they've suggested so far is Duty Free trolleys, but that's a start at least."
Commissioner Noah Passaporta also announced that the European Commission has outsourced the enforcement of its new health and safety guidelines for illegal immigrant transportation to the Seven Snakeheads Smuggling Corporation.
"Seven Snakeheads is a highly reputable Chinese human trafficking ring that is very knowledgeable about and familiar with illegal immigrant transport to and within the EU," explained Commissioner Passaporta.
Extolling the virtues of the Seven Snakeheads-EU partnership, Noah Passaporta stated that the European Commission would save several hundred million Euros annually as a result.
"With the savings, the EC will be able to hire much more staff and take many more fact finding trips," said Commissioner Passaporta, icicles now forming on his knobbly carrot inside the freezing refrigerated lorry.
The first such fact finding trip is scheduled for next January when Commissioner Noah Passaporta and his staff will visit the Sonoran desert along the US-Mexico border to determine new death-by-dehydration guidelines for the EU.
"We have death-by-chocolate guidelines already here in Brussels," said Commissioner Passaporta. "So it should be easy to adapt them to dehydration."