Washington, D.C. - "It is with great sorrow, I must announce that -- in furtherance of the war on terror -- the United States will immediately begin bombing Langley Virginia," President Bush told a shocked crowd of reporters hastily called to the White House Rose Garden today. Bush was forced to halt his presentation in order to prevent Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld from urinating on the flowers. After successfully bringing the unruly Secretary to heel, President Bush returned to the podium and explained.
"A New York Times report read to me today makes it abundantly and immanently clear that in the 1990's Iyad Allawi, America's choice for the new prime minister of Iraq, was hired by the CIA to organize terrorist bombings in Iraq. It is unfortunate that I have to know these things. I am not sure why I do, but since I do, I have no choice but to act decisively.
"Therefore, inline with our country's policy of blowing up all terrorist organizations, we have scheduled immediate air strikes on the CIA headquarters in Langley Virginia. These strikes will commence without further warning and will include most all of Fairfax County, in an effort to route out CIA terrorists who may be hiding among the civilian population or who may have gone home for lunch.
"Following the air strikes, combined elements of the 101st Airborne Battalion and the Arlington Cemetery Marine Honor Guard will launch a ground assault on the area to mop up what the expected small pockets of resistance led by deadhead terrorists and housewives.
"Those captured during these operations will be considered puzzled combatants, not prisoners of war, and as such will not be afforded any rights under the Geneva Convention. They will however be treated humanely in the detention facility outside of American Jurisdiction in some place like New Mexico.
"As for that murderous, terrorist scum Allawi, just as soon as he is sworn in we will launch a new attack on the government of Iraq. The cost for this new engagement will be minimal, since the units are already in position and we have lots of bullets left from the last invasion. You would think the people of Iraq would learn that the U.S. will no longer tolerate governments that tolerate terrorists. Now it is time for my nap."
President Bush then swatted Rumsfeld on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper, and left the podium without answering questions.