NORTH POLE (Friggemall Wire Services) -- Santa Claus, the iconic deliverer of toys who is much loved by children all over the world, has petitioned the United States Congress for $400 billion.
Claus, age undetermined, cites increased costs of materials, a work stoppage, higher elf wages, and general economic woes as the basis for his bailout request.
"Higher oil prices hammered my ass this year," Claus said. "Material delivery costs to my workshop increased 74%. Also, almost 30% of my shipments from my Chinese suppliers were tainted with lead. I couldn't use any of it, nevermind the fact that I had 37 elves in the infirmary with lead poisoning thanks to that shit."
Claus maintains that the sickened elves strained his relations with the elf union that he employs. "They were already unhappy with the mandatory overtime trying to crank out those goddamned Wiis for Nintendo," Claus said. "Once some of them got sick from that lead, I knew I was knee-deep in it."
Claus said that the elf union went on strike in July of this year, citing an unsafe work environment. Production in the main workshop ground to a halt for the next 9 weeks as the elves demanded higher pay, safer working conditions, and a reversal on the smoking ban implemented last January.
There's no guarantee that the bailout, if approved, will bring joy to all of the world's children. "Look, I'm way, way behind. Those elves, they fucked me. What can I say? The money I'm asking for will allow me to procure temporary help from Mexico to get me through the season. But there's no way I can meet the worldwide quota." Claus estimates that 15% of the world's children will be getting the shaft this year if he receives the bailout. That figure climbs to a whopping 45% if the bailout is denied.
"Nearly half the world's kids are going to screw the pooch this December if I don't get that money. The fate of Christmas rests in the hands of the United States Congress."
The United States' Dow Jones stock market plunged almost 600 points at the news, with rumors circulating that the Easter Bunny may also be asking for a bailout due to increased chocolate costs.