Written by bkkRon
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Topics: China, suicide

Thursday, 10 June 2004

image for SARS Virus Commits Suicide
SARS - No longer with us

BEIJING, China -- The SARS virus has committed suicide, confirmed officials of the People's Infectious Diseases Center in Beijing. At 7:22 AM local time on Wednesday, June 9 (23:22 GMT, June 8), lead scientist of the center, Dr. Kiu Da Miba, corroborated the self-inflicted death of the organism first reported by one of his assistants, Dr. Ai Di Dit.

Having shown signs of depression for the last several months, SARS became dejected when his attempted resurfacing in China in the past few months were quickly derailed by fast-acting doctors, nurses and research scientists now familiar with his methods.

It goes further back than that, however. When interviewed last August, Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy (BSE, also known as Mad Cow Disease, and "Bovee" to his friends) said that SARS was upset that the U.S. media cover-up of his infecting six cities in the New England states, New York, and Ohio, downplayed his contagion-causing abilities.

"I remember SARS commenting that he only went to Toronto for a bit of R & R, but when he realized the Americans were hiding his outbreak from their own people and from the rest of the world, he decided to hit Toronto too so that at least the Canadians could report on his efforts," said BSE. Canada's news media and scientific community did just that and tourism levels fell to all-time lows, not only in Toronto, but across the country as well.

The Ebola virus, when contacted for a reaction to the news of SARS's death, was especially saddened by word of the suicide. Ebola said that SARS had been an inspiration to him and that Ebola's own recent metamorphosis and new outbreak in regions of Africa were "motivated directly by SARS's success in China, Vietnam and Canada" last year. "I'm going to miss him," Ebola added.

Meanwhile, families and friends of many people infected with, and killed by, SARS were mostly unsympathetic. In Toronto, Dr. Diane Douncombak, who was at the forefront of research and prevention of the virus's spreading, said that victims' families have long expressed strong enmity toward SARS and what it had done. Izzy Dedyet, whose daughter, a nurse, died during the outbreak, lamented, "This is not the way it should have ended. SARS ought to have been destroyed by a vaccine that would have made it suffer instead of letting the little bastard take the easy way out."

There has been no announcement yet for funeral arrangements.

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