HOKKAIDO, Japan - Zookeepers at The Kushiro Municipal Zoo in Hokkaido, Japan were puzzled as to why a polar bear couple would not mate.
Zoo officials said, "We just did not know why it was, but the chemistry in the romance department was just not there. Well, it now turns out that there was something else that was also just not there...a wiener.
Yes, the zookeepers learned that Tsuyoshi and Kurumi are both girls. A reporter for The Hokkaido Morning Herald-Observer, Fing Fing Takashooka talked to a highly embarrassed Assistant Zoo Manager Kazuki Kawachini and asked, "So in actuality you were trying to get the two female polar bears to enter into a lesbian relationship?"
Kawachini replied that, that was not the case at all. "Look," he said sternly, "We had no idea that both of the polar bears were girls. I mean, just look at the photo of the zoo's polar bear population and anyone can see beyond the slightest doubt that all polar bears look exactly alike.
But now in the case of these two particular polar bears, Kurumi is very pretty and Tsuyoshi is quite handsome. And besides, have you gotten a close look at these polar bears?...All polar bears are extremely hairy...even hairier than that 'Ugly Betty' character on TV."
Kawachini remarked, "And also, Kurumi loves wearing makeup, perfume, and watching The Women's Channel on cable television. Whereas, Tsuyoshi loves spitting and touching his/her groin region, like baseball players do.
Another thing about Tsuyoshi that led us to believe that she was a he was the way he would yell enthusiastically and pound his paws together while was watching NFL football on the big screen. Tsuyoshi loves watching the Chicago Bears.
Mr. Kawachini was asked if there are any plans to get the two polar bear girls together with two polar bear boys. And he replied, "No, not at the moment. As of right now, we will be scheduling therapy sessions for both Tsuyoshi and Kurumi.
Kurumi is not really in too bad a shape, but Tsuyoshi is really upset, angry, and confused. And one can see that she is really depressed at the fact that so many people thought that she was actually a he."
Dr. Murasaki Bamboochi, one of the leading animal sex therapists in all of Japan has said that with the proper counseling and care that he can help Tsuyoshi regain her inner femininity.
The doctor added, "Now as far as her outer femininity goes. I have instructed zoo officials to dress Tsuyoshi in pantyhose, dainty dresses, and sexy high heels.
Tsuyoshi's road back to femininity will be a long one, but with time, patience, and the proper funding, we will certainly get her to the point where she will once again be totally secure in her femininity.
I have had tremendous world-wide success in this area of endeavor, not only with polar bears, but with ostriches, dolphins, boa constrictors, and skunks as well."
In other news, President George Bush has just agreed to write his autobiography. The book will be titled, 'George W. Bush - From Georgie Porgie to King George.'