Nobby's Beach, New South Wales, Australia - "Mmmmm, the pasta's delicious, Keith, what's in it?" asked Keith Roy Weatherley's mum innocently at a recent dinner party. "It's the secret ingredient in my sauce," replied son Keith.
Keith's secret is now out, so to speak, after his recent arrest and conviction for having his penis in a pasta jar at Nobby's Beach, of all places.
According to police records, officers approached Mr Weatherley's illegally parked car when they noticed some suspicious hand movements in his lap and suspected a weapon might be involved. However, Mr Weatherley sped off at warp speed, around 20 kmh, but was soon apprehended.
When police got a closer look, they saw that Weatherley was butt-naked from the waist down and had his penis in a pasta sauce jar. A search of the vehicle uncovered pornography, a home-made sex aid, women's stockings and a Jack Russell terrier.
Officer Krispy Kreme and his partner Deputy Dunkin Cruller, two of NSW's finest, conducted the investigation and made the arrest.
According to Officer Kreme, he was shocked. "You see a lot of strange things in police work, especially around Nobby's Beach, but this took the prize," exclaimed Officer Kreme, gulping doughnut holes two at a time.
Deputy Cruller agreed. "It was a bit odd. We're used to seeing men's penises on our Nobby's Beach patrol, but it was the pasta jar that threw us. I guess technically, he wasn't naked," added Deputy Cruller, twisting and untwisting his chocolate covered Long Johns.
"What the news didn't cover was that it wasn't an empty jar," interjected Officer Krispy Kreme. "It was a nearly full jar of Paul Newman's Own Portabella Mushroom sauce."
"No it wasn't," contradicted Deputy Dunkin Cruller. "It was Marinara sauce. I can testify that portabella mushroom was firmly attached to Mr Weatherley."
"Whatever, the bloke was basically getting it off with Paul Newman in a very saucy way and in a pubic area," countered Officer Krispy Kreme, now dunking his doughnut balls into a mug of coffee nestled in his lap.
"We can't have children and the general public exposed to a man with his penis in a pasta sauce jar. It's hard enough getting kids to eat healthily. You don't see Naked Chef Jamie Oliver putting his penis in anything. This will put the little ankle biters right off pasta now."
Deputy Cruller countered, "You have to give Weatherley some credit though. The press incorrectly reported it was a 750-millilitre jar around his penis. I handled the evidence and no way could he get a jar that small around it. It was more like 985-millilitres."
"You're right there, Dunkin," agreed Officer Kreme. "Even then, we couldn't remove it for another 36 hours until the effects of the Cialis wore off."
Officer Kreme also explained that he and his partner were well equipped to handle the Jack Russell terrier found in the car along with Mr Weatherley's penis in a pasta jar.
"We both trained with the K-9 patrol team before we were demoted to busting kerb crawlers, doggers, and other pervs at Nobby's Beach," explained Officer Kreme. "So when that Jack Russell started humping my leg like mad, I knew just what to do."
A smirking Deputy Dunkin Cruller interrupted. "Right Krispy, you sure knew how to handle the situation. How much was that dry cleaning bill again?"
In other strange revelations in the penis pasta man's case, it has been revealed that the 'home-made sex aid' found in the car was actually a large cannelloni. Forensic experts are now analyzing the ricotta filling for additional evidence.
Family loyalty really counts at times like these. Suspect Keith Roy Weatherley's mother, Napolina Prego, dutifully defended her 46 year old son to the Australian press. "My Keith's a good boy," declared Mrs Prego.
"Back in Italy his father always made the pasta sauce with secret ingredients up until he died, and his father before him. It's a family tradition handed down for generations," explained a proud Mrs Prego.
"Back then, the men would just go out into the olive groves, but what can we do here in Australia? Keith was on his way to the nearest olive grove in Hunter Valley. He just must have made a wrong turn and ended up at Nobby's Beach. It's not the first time."
"And as for the woman's stockings," added Mrs Prego, "They're mine. Keith offered to drop them off at the cleaner's for me on his way to the olive grove, as usual. I don't know why that Jack Russell humps my leg so much."